Man Talk 27th July 2014

 

 

The title of TV's Embarrassing Bodies seems to be a little bit misleading as most of the people on it aren't embarrassed at all. Why else would they go on TV, and in front of millions of viewers reveal their most intimate problems. They may be to embarrassed to tell their doctor but their more than happy to 'get em out' in front of the cameras. I'm not a fan of horror films but some of the horrors I've had to endure (its compulsive viewing for some people in our house)would be x rated in the cinema. As far as boundaries, there is nothing off limits. No penis to small no breast to big, No orfice unprobed. I'm surprised that nobody's complained about the title, after all the only people who seem to be embarrased are the audience.  

 

The end of the world cup has given players like Steven Gerard the opportunity to hang up their international boots. Pity that a lot of the commentators, haven't walked down the same plank, lets face it Dour and dire sums the majority of them up, 

 

They say our national game needs a reality check, maybe the way we commentate on the game needs to change too. Here's an idea, how about the commentators from the Eurovision song contest. Terry Wogan or Graham Norton calling the games might be the wake up call the football needs. Eurovision is  always presented with tongue firmly in cheek. Our football has sunk so low maybe it should be treated in the same way.  We still may not win anything but at least it would be more fun.

 

A report this week said that typewriters are making a comeback, I say not If I can help it! I'd probably have to destroy a small rainforest with the number of rewrites I have to do to get the is column out.

Suckered in by the  trailers I went to see Dawn of the planet of the apes the other day - what can I say you've seen one talking monkey you've seen em all. - Disappointing 

Just in case your vocabulary is sagging here are a few of the latest entries in to the new chambers dictionary Milf, Sexting, Vajazzle, Totes, Frape, and strangest of all Crotch rocket:  Sounds like something that should be discussed on Embarrassing bodies! 

Kirsty Alsop may be great at finding houses but I don't think shes going to be very succesful when she comes to selling her own, her mum is buried in the garden. Any (under)takers?

I was given as lecture this week about how important the singer Morrisey is to popular music, and why I must buy his new album.  Their reasoning - he hasn't been well and it would cheer him up......

But With titles like 'World peace is none of your business' or how about another called the bullfighter dies I'm not surprised he's feeling a little bit down,  how about writing something happy for a change, that might cheer you up 

 

Another one bites the dust.... comic book hero's Archie, is to be killed off this week. I remember him as the ginger ld with freckles having comedy adventures with his friend Jug head, seems like he's grown up a lot since I was a kid  The poor fella is to be shot trying to save his gay friend from a deranged gunman. And this is in the same week, that Thor is to be redrawn, this time as a woman!  Comic books have definitely changed a lot from when I used to read them.

Somebody was talking about a 'prog rock' band, they were in, the other day. 'Prog rock'! Who remembers that musical genre, a proper late 60's  back in the day thing. All musical genres have uniform and Prog rock bands didn't disappoint. Theirs was the big flairs or loons as they used to be called, Kaftans or tie dye shirts, Hair was one of two styles long straggly or with a bit of a boufant mullet combo. and of course a moustache or beard was obligatory. Ask a kid today if they'd heard of Tangerine Dream or Zappa and they'll think your talking about video games, yet these were the One  Direction of their day. Anyway, I think its time to get ready to rock because he told me their was revival on the way , hail hail rock and roll, but lay off the loons and the tie dye this time  around 

 

Suppose they gave a war and nobody came

You flick through several channels and finally stop on a fuzzy image of a car speeding down a desert back road. The image is blurred but what can you expect from 30,000ft away? A target sits over the vehicle. A smoke trail drifting across the crosshairs and seconds later a puff of smoke and that’s one less bad guy to worry about.

A video game or the reality of modern day warfare? This is how we sanitise killing these days – we win our wars from behind a desk. Now step back in time 100 years this month, no YouTube, no social media to keep us up to the minute informed. The only images of war are patriotic posters demanding you serve.

Your country needs you.

And so, caught up in the moment, you followed your patriotic duty without a thought. The music hall songs demanded you pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and smile smile smile, and so they did just that in their millions. It was expected for king and country you served. But would we honestly go so freely and so fervently today? Would we march so proudly off to war? Would we defy our mothers, lie about our ages just so we could enlist in the local ‘lads’ regiments?

‘The revolution will not be televised’ sang Gil Scott Heron back in the 70′s, as we watched the Vietnam War on our televisions. You were lucky to make page 4 of the local newspaper back in 1914.

Today, Social Media would make it a worldwide trending topic until we got bored and switched to the latest celebrity hook up, football transfer rumour or anything else that grabs our goldfish attention spans.

The start of the Great War is being celebrated this month and all over the country the war that was said to end all wars is being remembered. In Liverpool we’ve dressed up the event and sanitised the loss by representing the war as a little girl and her grandmother searching for a dad or a son who has enlisted. It is finally given the reality it never had a century ago. Finally we appreciate the degree of loss. We are beginning to understand that the Great War was mainly fought over a few miles of muddy ground in Northern Europe. The up and over orders into no man’s land with no thought of loss or death only became apparent many years later. In these high-tech times, teenagers are raining mass destruction on nations every night via their PlayStations. Why would anyone want to leave their armchairs for the real thing? How many would answer the call if asked? Would we still treat those that chose not to go with the same contempt? The white feather (a symbol of cowardice) was the greatest insult you could have received. Today their protest would be celebrated. It was a different time – the naivety of the masses to the reality of war meant that working class poorly educated boys thought the war was a heroic adventure. In hindsight, the whole thing was futile.

So… if they called, would we answer? Probably not. There’d be far too much other stuff to do.

Man Talk 12th July 2014

 

One job I heard about last week but haven't seen advertised on the Echo's situations vacant page is for a 'Reputation Rescuer'. Yup it exists and there is plenty of work, I mean lets face it,there are a lot of people out there who need one . After all who you gonna call when it all goes belly up. Ghostbusters may be used to dealing with all things toxic, but a reputation? They won't touch it. Jim's not fixing anything anymore. And Max is temporarily indesposed.

 

So for some bright enterprising social entrepreneurs their is a massive gap in

the market. I mean what wouldn't luis Suarez, Justin Bieber or even Lynsey Lohan give for a character like the wonderful Winstone Wolfe the clean up man from Pulp fiction to turn up at their door and say it all going to be ok. Or to be able to pick up the phone and give Saul a call the mister fixit from Breaking Bad. Still theirs always those characters from the 118 adverts but something tells me they may be needing their own reputation fixers sooner rather than later

 

We were invited to an Art exhibition last week and their was an auction which

included the opportunity to buy an original Picasso I mutted the idea of maybe bidding

for it to Barbara, but she laughed off the idea 'where would we put it? ' good

point!

 

The World Cup organisers FIFA must be feeling a little but full of themselves as

the World Cup draws to a close why else would they have their official seats

marked VVIP? Maybe it's because they think they are very Very important people that's why!

 

In case it passed you by its been Men's fashion week in the fashion capitals of Europe recently. So to keep you in the loop, some of the the key trends predicted were the nautical look all flares and stripes, and variations on the male ballet dancer theme, You get the idea, everything tight and figure hugging,showing off every lump and bump.Great if you've ripped,and toned. Not so good if like me the only way you'll get a six pack is from the beer aisle in Tesco. Meanwhile on The shoe front the court jester winkle picker is going to be big, and the the bigger and the pointier the better. But in case your not taken in by the hype. Maybe you'll agree with how one fashion spotter succinctly summed the whole fashion show charade. 'Most of them (the models) walking down the catwalk looked like they were homeless and they've found a bag of clothes!