Man talk 7th September 2014

'Does my tum look big in this'? I asked this question after seeing my attemp at the 'Ice Bucket challenge on social networks last week. Whilst everyone else was laughing at my soaking, I was wondering what the hell I had stuffed up my shirt. Turns out I've got a bit of a paunch, to put it politely, which by coincidence was the subject of a phone in the other day on the radio. The art of 'Paunch Disguisng' or how to cover up your belly. From wearing dark clothes to tucking your shirt in. The callers were mostly in denial about the problem. Always trying to point out the postives. Random facts like a big belly was once considered noble and the sign of a leader. You could think of  your tum as an investment, something you've taken time and money to cultivate and grow. Meanwhile back in the real world, a medical expert pointed out that all your growing with a big tummy is type 2 diabitise,health problems, and a wardrobe full clothes that won't fit.Time for the gym I think.

 

If you want to spice up your Ice Bucket challenge, why not try is the middle eastern way, the 'Rubble bucket challenge' replace water ( which is precious comodity in the desert) with stones and rocks. They say it is to rise awareness of the war in Gazza. Thats one trend I can't see catching on over here.  

 

Read this week that scientists are studying sheep dogs to develop technology they can use in crowd control. They believe the tricks the dogs use to herd the sheep can be applied to football crowds. That makes a change football fans,they are usually hearded like cattle.

 

Talk about shooting yourself in the foot.  The residents in Gallipoli in southern Italy are so fed up with the declining standards in the town they declared it the Italian capital of sex drugs and alcohol. One resident dubbed  his town, 'The home of trashy tourism' and called it 'Soddom and Gomorrah on Sea'. Now if that doesn't sound like the new Magaluf I don't where would. Could be the perfect destination if your planning a hen or stag party.

 

For all you long hair types who cant think what to do with your straggly maine, forget dressing it up with a 'man bun'. Try a 'man braid'. What better way to tease and dress your hair for a night out with friends. Big in America, bound to hit theese shores pretty soon.

 

One of the biggest selling mobile apps at the moment is the noise of a typewriter keyboard, It adds the sound effects as you type on your phone. Seems like we miss the sound of old technology, so much so that the Times newspaper has the tap tap tap of typewriters clicking away played in the background of their newsroom, as they say it improves productivity.

 

Perhaps our big two premier league teams should take a leaf out of Hull Uniteds book, to attract fans to the game they actually pay them! At present anyone going the game gets paid £2. After some of the games seen already this season it will take a lot more than £2 to get some fans to go back

 

I hear Ryan Giggs and Gary Neville are going into the hotel business their new venture opens up in Manchseter in a few months. I don't imagine they are going for the top end five star luxury market. They've creatively called it. 'Hotel Football' – Now if Carlsberg did hotels.........  

 

The clothes store Gap have taken the trend for 'normal' to the next level, they now have style advisers available to give you tips on how to dress 'normally'. It would be nice to  know what 'normal' is these days.

 

 

Wanted : A football sugar daddy

Wanted: a football “Sugar Daddy”. Apply to a football club near you – note: must have deep pockets.

The hunt for the elusive no strings attached football club owner is on. Anyone heard of John Moores? He was the Roman Abramovitch of his day with his Littlewoods pools millions who lavished his family wealth on his beloved Everton football club, spending money like their was no tomorrow. In the sixties, the club became known as The Millionaires, such was his willingness to splash the cash. Sir John was always good for a few thousand (a lot in those days!) whenever his manager spotted talent. Sadly, when Sir John died, so did his money and the club went into decline.

Everton were not the only club with a local benefactor. The football league, as it was then, was full of “local” businessmen spending their wealth on their local club. Hard to believe that, in their heyday, Manchester United got their cash from the local butcher’s family, the Edwards.

So why did it all go wrong? It’s easy to blame it all on television (especially Sky TV), but, since the mid-eighties, football’s local connections have been steadily erased. A victim of its own success, football became a business with the profit & loss scores becoming the only game in town. The cash rich, no questions asked carpetbaggers from the Middle East and Eastern Europe descended like a rash on the football league.

In the mid-eighties, when the word of the day was “loadsa-money”, these brash, flash billionaires coming from football team poor countries were welcomed into town. With their oil rich millions, they wanted a piece of the most successful league in the world – and, for some, it was the lifeblood they needed. Who wouldn’t snatch the hand off a willing benefactor promising millions?

Some clubs, like current premier league champions Manchester City, had to kiss a lot of frogs before they found their Prince Charming. Other clubs, like Leeds United and the Blackburn Rovers, have paid the price for jumping into bed with wealthy foreign investors and gone from champs to chumps, whilst others like Manchester United and Liverpool have bet it all on red and gambled on success the corporate American way.

The days of the local club forlocal fans are a thing of the past. How can it be local when it’s a global phenomenon, with every game beamed live all around the world? The average Liverpool fan is as likely to come from Tokyo as Toxteth, and for thousands and thousands of supporters every game is an away day.

Could the Edwards’s family from Manchester ever have imagined how big a business their little old football club would become? If they thought they had it good in the sixties and seventies, what would they make of the club today? Manchester United PLC is quoted on the stock market; the board room where decisions are made isn’t in the bowls of Old Trafford, but the skyscrapers of Wall Street – it’s the shareholders the board answers too. The fans are are just the television extras that fill out the stadium week in week out. The price all these clubs pay for selling their heritage is to sacrifice what the fans want for what the shareholders demand. You get your success (occasionally!), but at the whim of the owners. No longer a football fan, more of a business fan. Success isn’t measured so much by cups won as by the pounds banked.

Those Manchester City fans celebrating their premiership title last season have a lot to be thankful for, as they are run as a modern day family business, albeit a Middle Eastern royal family. The manager is lavished with cash and can attract the world’s best players with promises to pay them huge amounts. They play at a state of the art stadium and enjoy facilities second to none. The former millionaires of Everton in their rundown shabby ground can only look on enviously at their “new money” billionaire neighbours. The days of the millionaire are long gone – it’s a billionaire or nothing.

Sadly, the cash to fund the rich mans plaything is drying up, just like the Saudi oil princes and the Russian oligarchs. It’s the TV contracts that are feeding the fire of modern day football. With worldwide deals filling the pots, the premier league elite have never been so cash rich. But the question is, for how much longer? Football once relied on the fans for the majority of its revenue, but not anymore. The beautiful game is dictated by TV schedules; they pay, you play (whenever they say).

What happens if Sky decides to pull the plug? How can clubs hooked on TV cash pay the wages of the lucrative contracts, the loans? Where’s the cash going to come from? It’s a knife edge for many clubs balancing the books and when the money’s gone and the accountants and liquidators move in, the first question they’ll be asking is “Where’s your daddy?”

Man Talk 24th August 2014

The song if you want to be happy for the rest if your life never make a pretty woman your wife, may have a ring of truth about it for some people. just ask the guy from Newcastle who won an unenviable award for 'punching above his weight' after he tied the knott with his new model bride. It's not the kind of thing you want overhear in the pub or have thrown in your face everytime you have a tiff now is it!  And whilst diets seems like an obsession for most newly married women. A report this week says counting calories isn't a part of the plan for newly married men. They eat more, drink more and generally pile on the pounds once they are wed. 

The hipster scruffy beardy look doesn't seem to want to go away and whilst designer scruff seems to be in vogue for the cool kids. Us normal blokes have been waiting for our little niche fashion trend. So thank goodness the football season is back and with it comes "Lads Cassual' yes fashionistas say trainers sports shirts and even shorts are the bang on new trend for autumn. Now theirs a trend us 'normal' fellas  can all feel comfortable with. 

After-all how many of us can carry off the flower beard, yes the cool kids (again!) are dressing  up their face hair with some wild flora. Obviously not a terrace look. And where would you get it done? 

Have you heard about this crazy trend on Instagram men are shaving their chest hair so it looks like a bra then posting the pictures - can't help thinking that's something they'll regret in the future 

Somebody told me the other day that the first tweet was sent 18years ago it said 'just setting up my first twtr' - but my first thought was who was he going to send it too? 

Hers something for all you budding DJs Paris Hilton was paid 347,000 dollars per hour for spinning discs in Ibiza this summer - nice work if you can get it!!

Have used the Siri option on your IPhone? It's the facility to ask your phone a question and it replies with an answer. This supposedly know all service isn't as good as it makes out a murderer tried to use the option to ask the question how they should get rid of a dead body? Obviously it gave the wrong answer and he's now awaiting sentencing

Saw an ad for under ease underpants the other day the strapline is 'Releave  the Pain without the shame' hi tech odourless underpants - Christmas is coming!!

Everyone is talking about the woman who walked free from court after being caught by customs with sixteen grand hidden in her knickers. Maybe she was a lapdancer said one wag! Case closed then. badabing! 

Here's something I heard the other day, it's impossible to stop thinking! Urgh....Think about it 

Man talk 9th August 2014

 

Man Talk 9th August 2014

 

Its a real kick in the teeth for us Brits when you hear that, in a survey,the rest of the world think the person they most associate with being a typical british male is Mr Bean! Yes the hapless chump who can't speak properly who trys to scrimp on everything and will cheat and lie to get what he wants, is  your average foreigners idea of you and I. Come to think of it they may be right!

 

And the winner is.... Shamus Beaglehole, who was recently celebrated for having the name of the year, in a recent poll. He narrowly beat off the runner up Dr Eve Gruntfest, so close but so far. Submissions are now being taken for next years competion if you think you can better that. P.S. Only legitimate names can enter, no made up ones allowed.

 

Hows this for a great way to watch one of the scariest films of all time 'Jaws'. In a dingy in an outdoor swimming pool. One clever swimming baths in London had the brilliant idea of showing the film with added water to give the film a touch of reality. Wonder if anyone to large turned up and the staff got to say the classic line....'We're going to need a bigger boat.'

 

Here's the conspiracy theory that everybodies talking about this week,  Apple slow down the performance of their Iphones just before they launch a new version, so we'll all run out and buy one. Anyone else noticed their phones on a go slow? The X- Files live on.

 

Ever felt like your blending into the background and nobody knows your there, Well your not alone. A survey this week has found that once men reach the age of 39 they become invisible to women.  Unfortunately once we hit the big three nine us guys are just not memorable anymore. Perhaps thats why David Beckham has taken to relaunching his underwear range. Once seen in those budgie smugglers never fogotten!

 

Coincidence or trend? Saw a man smoking a pipe the other day, thought thats unussual, who smokes a pipe these days? Then within minutes saw somebody else doing the same thing! So, the question is are pipes making a comeback? Theirs something cozy about a man with a pipe, thoughtful, cheerful you always imagine a pipe smoker as mr dependable. You'd never see a rock star or a footballer puffing on a pipe. Or maybe we will soon... The pipe is on its way back!

 

How strange is this as an accompanyment to a beer a plate of radishes! Yes those little red rock hard balls where served up with my pint in a bar in France recently! I mean what do you say to that? Obvioulsy its a French thing.

 

One man who will never have to buy a beer again is Orlando Bloom, after he punched Justin Beiber.  Well at least he'll have something to cry into now.

 

Who said an education is wasted, you can now get a Phd in toilets, yes somebody has created a degree course in all things loo related. Well there's three years of your life down the pan!

Man Talk 27th July 2014

 

 

The title of TV's Embarrassing Bodies seems to be a little bit misleading as most of the people on it aren't embarrassed at all. Why else would they go on TV, and in front of millions of viewers reveal their most intimate problems. They may be to embarrassed to tell their doctor but their more than happy to 'get em out' in front of the cameras. I'm not a fan of horror films but some of the horrors I've had to endure (its compulsive viewing for some people in our house)would be x rated in the cinema. As far as boundaries, there is nothing off limits. No penis to small no breast to big, No orfice unprobed. I'm surprised that nobody's complained about the title, after all the only people who seem to be embarrased are the audience.  

 

The end of the world cup has given players like Steven Gerard the opportunity to hang up their international boots. Pity that a lot of the commentators, haven't walked down the same plank, lets face it Dour and dire sums the majority of them up, 

 

They say our national game needs a reality check, maybe the way we commentate on the game needs to change too. Here's an idea, how about the commentators from the Eurovision song contest. Terry Wogan or Graham Norton calling the games might be the wake up call the football needs. Eurovision is  always presented with tongue firmly in cheek. Our football has sunk so low maybe it should be treated in the same way.  We still may not win anything but at least it would be more fun.

 

A report this week said that typewriters are making a comeback, I say not If I can help it! I'd probably have to destroy a small rainforest with the number of rewrites I have to do to get the is column out.

Suckered in by the  trailers I went to see Dawn of the planet of the apes the other day - what can I say you've seen one talking monkey you've seen em all. - Disappointing 

Just in case your vocabulary is sagging here are a few of the latest entries in to the new chambers dictionary Milf, Sexting, Vajazzle, Totes, Frape, and strangest of all Crotch rocket:  Sounds like something that should be discussed on Embarrassing bodies! 

Kirsty Alsop may be great at finding houses but I don't think shes going to be very succesful when she comes to selling her own, her mum is buried in the garden. Any (under)takers?

I was given as lecture this week about how important the singer Morrisey is to popular music, and why I must buy his new album.  Their reasoning - he hasn't been well and it would cheer him up......

But With titles like 'World peace is none of your business' or how about another called the bullfighter dies I'm not surprised he's feeling a little bit down,  how about writing something happy for a change, that might cheer you up 

 

Another one bites the dust.... comic book hero's Archie, is to be killed off this week. I remember him as the ginger ld with freckles having comedy adventures with his friend Jug head, seems like he's grown up a lot since I was a kid  The poor fella is to be shot trying to save his gay friend from a deranged gunman. And this is in the same week, that Thor is to be redrawn, this time as a woman!  Comic books have definitely changed a lot from when I used to read them.

Somebody was talking about a 'prog rock' band, they were in, the other day. 'Prog rock'! Who remembers that musical genre, a proper late 60's  back in the day thing. All musical genres have uniform and Prog rock bands didn't disappoint. Theirs was the big flairs or loons as they used to be called, Kaftans or tie dye shirts, Hair was one of two styles long straggly or with a bit of a boufant mullet combo. and of course a moustache or beard was obligatory. Ask a kid today if they'd heard of Tangerine Dream or Zappa and they'll think your talking about video games, yet these were the One  Direction of their day. Anyway, I think its time to get ready to rock because he told me their was revival on the way , hail hail rock and roll, but lay off the loons and the tie dye this time  around 

 

Suppose they gave a war and nobody came

You flick through several channels and finally stop on a fuzzy image of a car speeding down a desert back road. The image is blurred but what can you expect from 30,000ft away? A target sits over the vehicle. A smoke trail drifting across the crosshairs and seconds later a puff of smoke and that’s one less bad guy to worry about.

A video game or the reality of modern day warfare? This is how we sanitise killing these days – we win our wars from behind a desk. Now step back in time 100 years this month, no YouTube, no social media to keep us up to the minute informed. The only images of war are patriotic posters demanding you serve.

Your country needs you.

And so, caught up in the moment, you followed your patriotic duty without a thought. The music hall songs demanded you pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and smile smile smile, and so they did just that in their millions. It was expected for king and country you served. But would we honestly go so freely and so fervently today? Would we march so proudly off to war? Would we defy our mothers, lie about our ages just so we could enlist in the local ‘lads’ regiments?

‘The revolution will not be televised’ sang Gil Scott Heron back in the 70′s, as we watched the Vietnam War on our televisions. You were lucky to make page 4 of the local newspaper back in 1914.

Today, Social Media would make it a worldwide trending topic until we got bored and switched to the latest celebrity hook up, football transfer rumour or anything else that grabs our goldfish attention spans.

The start of the Great War is being celebrated this month and all over the country the war that was said to end all wars is being remembered. In Liverpool we’ve dressed up the event and sanitised the loss by representing the war as a little girl and her grandmother searching for a dad or a son who has enlisted. It is finally given the reality it never had a century ago. Finally we appreciate the degree of loss. We are beginning to understand that the Great War was mainly fought over a few miles of muddy ground in Northern Europe. The up and over orders into no man’s land with no thought of loss or death only became apparent many years later. In these high-tech times, teenagers are raining mass destruction on nations every night via their PlayStations. Why would anyone want to leave their armchairs for the real thing? How many would answer the call if asked? Would we still treat those that chose not to go with the same contempt? The white feather (a symbol of cowardice) was the greatest insult you could have received. Today their protest would be celebrated. It was a different time – the naivety of the masses to the reality of war meant that working class poorly educated boys thought the war was a heroic adventure. In hindsight, the whole thing was futile.

So… if they called, would we answer? Probably not. There’d be far too much other stuff to do.

Man Talk 12th July 2014

 

One job I heard about last week but haven't seen advertised on the Echo's situations vacant page is for a 'Reputation Rescuer'. Yup it exists and there is plenty of work, I mean lets face it,there are a lot of people out there who need one . After all who you gonna call when it all goes belly up. Ghostbusters may be used to dealing with all things toxic, but a reputation? They won't touch it. Jim's not fixing anything anymore. And Max is temporarily indesposed.

 

So for some bright enterprising social entrepreneurs their is a massive gap in

the market. I mean what wouldn't luis Suarez, Justin Bieber or even Lynsey Lohan give for a character like the wonderful Winstone Wolfe the clean up man from Pulp fiction to turn up at their door and say it all going to be ok. Or to be able to pick up the phone and give Saul a call the mister fixit from Breaking Bad. Still theirs always those characters from the 118 adverts but something tells me they may be needing their own reputation fixers sooner rather than later

 

We were invited to an Art exhibition last week and their was an auction which

included the opportunity to buy an original Picasso I mutted the idea of maybe bidding

for it to Barbara, but she laughed off the idea 'where would we put it? ' good

point!

 

The World Cup organisers FIFA must be feeling a little but full of themselves as

the World Cup draws to a close why else would they have their official seats

marked VVIP? Maybe it's because they think they are very Very important people that's why!

 

In case it passed you by its been Men's fashion week in the fashion capitals of Europe recently. So to keep you in the loop, some of the the key trends predicted were the nautical look all flares and stripes, and variations on the male ballet dancer theme, You get the idea, everything tight and figure hugging,showing off every lump and bump.Great if you've ripped,and toned. Not so good if like me the only way you'll get a six pack is from the beer aisle in Tesco. Meanwhile on The shoe front the court jester winkle picker is going to be big, and the the bigger and the pointier the better. But in case your not taken in by the hype. Maybe you'll agree with how one fashion spotter succinctly summed the whole fashion show charade. 'Most of them (the models) walking down the catwalk looked like they were homeless and they've found a bag of clothes!