Man Talk 13th June

Man talk 13th June 

The summer is a dangerous time for us couch potatoes. With the limited choice of sport as an excuse A wife with far much time on her hands is prone to look around the house and point out those odd jobs you have been promising to do but keep finding reasons to put off. 

From painting the fence to wall papering the bedroom . Excuses and reasons not to do it are thin on the ground. Gone are the days when a man would revel  in the achievements of decorating his home or the opportunity to assemble and fit a kitchen 

Nowadays if a job needs doing we're more than likely to - 'get a man in' A recent report backs up this theory B&Q once the home of the handyman is closing some of its stores because we just don't do DIY anymore. 

Back in the day a visit to one of these Hardware heavens  could be as much of an adventure as a daytrip to Alton Towers.

 However, much like fixing the car, we've decided to leave these jobs to the experts . And who can blame us, when we look at all those crimes agains home decorating we all committed during those crazy 80's.  

Egged on by the 'experts' like Craig from 'big brother' 'handy' Andy and Tommy Walsh These DIY giants became household names. They convinced us that 'Artexing' was sexy ( failing to mention that the plastered nipple finish made the walls as dangerous as broken glass.)

What they failed to mention, once up up it was there as long as the house was. 

And we all believed them when they told us by covering the walls in wood panels it would  not only hide all the cracks the damp and the flaky plaster but also create a perfect Swiss mountain lodge effect for our living room Especially if we built our own slate fireplace to house our state of the art electric flame effect fireplace. 

For the more traditional finish it had to be woodchip wallpaper. But who knew that If you ever did tier of this finish to your walls, it required the patience of a saint to remove it. Years later I rememberer turning down the opportunity to buy a beautiful hose because it was top to bottom wood-chip. Stripping it would be a lifetimes work, as it came off in postage stamp size pieces. 

Then their was the ceilings. Artexing was an option or how about Those polyester ceeling tiles. They had a  life span of about a fortnight before they would either lift and flap for a few days before  floating harmlessly down to earth. Then refuse to return to their spot, even when using an industrial strength glue it would refuse to stick to the ceeling, but had no reservations about clinging fast to the sofa the floor or even the cat after it stealthily glided down to earth. 

We've committed so many crimes against DIY. We deserve to live in brick wall cell. Here's my favourite story about the perils of buying a DIY enthusiasts house. We bought our first house back in 1980. It was two up two down terrace in Tuebrook. The owners were rightly proud of their handy work, which included all the above plus no bath but a modern walk in shower! And their DIY  ' piece de resistance' sunken fluorescent six foot light tubes set out in three banks in the living room. Buried beneath the polystyrene tiles each housing contained three different coloured tubes one white one red and a green. The light switches required the skill of a NASA scientist to operate.I  remember the pride on the face of the the old owner as he demonstrated all the different lighting options. 

He began each operation by saying - flick of a switch Red or flick of a switch Green and then magically the room was bathed in which ever shade of light he chose. Select red and you could turn the living room into an authentic Amsterdam Brothel. Or go green and you had your very own fairy groto. And then he went full on white And I expected a ships horn to sound as it cruised off course down West Derby Road. And their was all  the different colour combinations.all of which (remember it was the 80's) left us fumbling in out pockets for change to secure the purchase and unable to sleep frightened we might be gazumped. 

We were so excited to be phoning our solicitor and the building society first thing in the morning to get the buying wheels in motion. 

We were the envy of  Everyone! And so it was when we came to sell 12 months later. New buyers where falling over themselves to buy our DIY palace. They were as excited about the place as we had been. 

Sandfly or not today's house buyer doesn't want  anything so fancy and builders are reluctant to offer anymore than plastered walls and en suite bathrooms. Even BobThe Builder has lost his charm. He got to number one in the charts singing can we fix it. To which we all used to shout back YES WE CAN!

Now it more likely to be no! We Can't  - be bothered but I know a man who can.