Man talk 17th October 2014

 

 

So whats your view on Locker room ettiquette? Did you know  their was a code of behaviour? I read this week that the do's and don't of a gym changing room have all been formalised for Metrosexual man. 

From dress code, ( Who knew their was a no socks in the shower rule!) to when and where to wear a towel. And to remember you don't hog the shower. And of course, don't make puddles. And finally remember what get said in the locker room stays in the locker room. And my favourite don't be an exhibitionist..... You know what I'm taking about!  

 

Perhaps all this showing off of our bodies accounts for the statistic this week that one in seven men regularly have their body hair waxed. Think about it next time your watching the magnificent 7

 

What does the aging construction billionaire Richard Linger see in the 24year old playboy model Cathy Scmitz, who he married this week. It'll never last...

 

Beware the fat finger! One stockbroker in Japan accidentally pressed the wrong button when carryng out a transaction last week and lost over £380 billion's worth of business. He blamed it on his over sized digit.

 

Just so you know... An idiot is someone whith an IQ of between 0-25 whilst an imbecile is someone who's IQ is between 26-50, make sure you get your facts right before you start brandishing the insults.

 

I heard this week that the Met office is to begin producing a daily weather forcasts for the sun, that's the planet, the big shinty thing in the sky Sun. I think I can save them a lot of money. Here's my weather forcast for the sun for today and all next week Hot! And if your planning on going wear sunscreen. And you can use this forcast for the forceable future as well..Scorchio!!!!

 

Don't panic... there is to be a Dad's Army movie out next year, and some people are up in arms. Saying its sacrilidge, and that we shouldn't spoil the memory of a TV institution.  Stupid boys!!!

 

Moving on from the ice bucket challenge. The latest awareness campaign for men is called #feelingnuts and its features celebrities grabbing their crotches., its  to raise awareness of testicular cancer.

 

How to save water. Pee in the shower, or thats what students in Norfolk are being asked to do to save flusing the toilet and so save water. I thought most of them

Did that anyway. Some might call not flushing lazy and disgusting they might say their just trying to save the planet.

Other planet saving ideas for conscientious students only wash the dishes once a week. maybe use the washing machine in a month with 28 days in it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Man Talk October 5th 2014

 

Dont want to seem ungrateful but i'm not really a fan of the new U2 album, which was downloaded onto my phone last week. Nothing worse than an unwanted gift, anyone know how I can swap it for something I might actually want to listen too. 

 

Every trend has its price, and this week we learned that, the beardy scruffy look favoured by those trendy sorts known as 'Hipsters' has cost the mens grooming market 72 million pounds!  Bet those marketing people at Gillette are not so smart now are they? Or maybe that's the problem! 

 

And the winners is ... At the good funeral awards an undertaker named 'Dyer' was named embalmer of the year. A man obviously born to to do his work.

 

Comedian Omid Djalili gained my admiration for going that extra mile. Talking about his new TV series where he is trying to find Britains hottest Curry. He should have guessed from its title that a dish known as 'The Widdower' would be packing a punch. But he went ahead with the challenge, After trying it he said, it was so hot his body immediately rejected it, this is obviously code for he had to go to the toilet right away, he said he was so traumatised by its effects he was constipated for a week!

 

Which ties in nicely with the revelation we learned this week that we spend almost three years of our lives on the toilet. Possibly a lot longer if we have eaten a 'Widdower'  

 

Bad news this week for  'Take Thaters' and for the talented one the cheeky one the cute one and the one who could dance. No more Jason. Big question they'll all be asking - Who's going to make the tea now?

 

A Japanese company has announced that it plans to build an elevator into space which will be able to link up with the space station. They say the work will be completed by 2050 and the lift will be 60,000 miles long, and will take 7 days to reach the top floor. Or maybe a lot longer if kids get in and press all the buttons.

 

What about all these spiders we are being plagued with at the moment. Some of them are huge! I heard this week how in Japan their using their spiders for sport, for what they call spider fighting, and they describe their spiders as 'samuari spiders'. There are also spider fighting clubs you can join. First rule of spider fighting club don't talk about spider fighting club. Maybe we'll be starting them here soon.

 

One thing wrong with Boris johnson's idea to sell tickets to watch the fireworks on New Years eve over London. Most fireworks go off in the sky? Whats he going to do charge you to look up!

 

Hows this for a strange colaboration The Chuckle Brothers Paul and Barry are said to be working with award winning rapper Tiny Tempah, on his new song. If the chorus doesn't include the sentence 'To me – To you' at least ten times I'd count that as a wasted opportunity.

Man Talk 21st September 2014

American TV Star Lena Durham summed up that feeling that most of us have after having to much to drink. That feeling when you've had one to many and your about to be sick. She described the five seconds before you vomit as 'The lowest depth of misery'.

 

A report this week said that the average Briton spends over a year of their lifes with a hangover. And it takes a women two hours longer than a man to recover. One in thirteen people when asked said that drinking had played havoc with their lives and caused them to miss everything from a first date to a dream job.

 

Seems like a good reason to support McMillan Nurses latest campaign. They are trying to raise much needed cash for cancer care and are asking you to 'Go Sober for October' Could you give up the demon drink for a month and help a chairty. Can you imagine a month hangover free? And if you can't then you really do need to get on board.

 

On the subject of holding your beer. Respect to the man who became world champion beer glass carring champion. A German, ( naturally, beer drinking capital of the world) carried 27 full litres of beer in one trip from the bar. Like to see how he copes buying a round in town on a Saturday night.

 

Nice to know that 3 out of 4 women say they prefer to date chump chaps! They say they feel freer to indulge themsleves on a night out if their date is a bit of porker. And dating a 'bigger boned' man ( well thats what girls always say 'shes not fat she's just big boned...)  they don't feel so self conscious as they would if their date slim and has abs.

 

Saw a new mens grooming product launched this week its called 'below the belt' and its a liquid talc for your dangly bits. It promises to keep your bits box fresh all day long, and my favourite, it gives your 'Groin Confidence'

Because thats all most mens groins are short of at the moment.

 

Hows this  for a job an 'Affairs Coach' this 'expert' teaches you have to have an extra marital relationship, and whats better, how to jusitify it to yourself and your partner if (and she will!) finds out. When asked why he helps people to cheat and how he can condone it, he answered with a straight face 'well they asked for it!'

 

Will anybody be going to see Liam Neesons new film this weekend 'A walk amongst the Tombstones' Here's the plot line:-  People go missing he finds them and when he finds them he kills the peole who took them. Now I might be wrong but that sounds pretty much like the plotline for Taken and Taken 2. I think the producers must have thought why change a winning formula, lets just change the title, the punters will never know!!!

 

Strange fact I heard this week....There are at least 6 people in the world who look exactly like you......And that m'lud is the case for the defence.

Man talk 7th September 2014

'Does my tum look big in this'? I asked this question after seeing my attemp at the 'Ice Bucket challenge on social networks last week. Whilst everyone else was laughing at my soaking, I was wondering what the hell I had stuffed up my shirt. Turns out I've got a bit of a paunch, to put it politely, which by coincidence was the subject of a phone in the other day on the radio. The art of 'Paunch Disguisng' or how to cover up your belly. From wearing dark clothes to tucking your shirt in. The callers were mostly in denial about the problem. Always trying to point out the postives. Random facts like a big belly was once considered noble and the sign of a leader. You could think of  your tum as an investment, something you've taken time and money to cultivate and grow. Meanwhile back in the real world, a medical expert pointed out that all your growing with a big tummy is type 2 diabitise,health problems, and a wardrobe full clothes that won't fit.Time for the gym I think.

 

If you want to spice up your Ice Bucket challenge, why not try is the middle eastern way, the 'Rubble bucket challenge' replace water ( which is precious comodity in the desert) with stones and rocks. They say it is to rise awareness of the war in Gazza. Thats one trend I can't see catching on over here.  

 

Read this week that scientists are studying sheep dogs to develop technology they can use in crowd control. They believe the tricks the dogs use to herd the sheep can be applied to football crowds. That makes a change football fans,they are usually hearded like cattle.

 

Talk about shooting yourself in the foot.  The residents in Gallipoli in southern Italy are so fed up with the declining standards in the town they declared it the Italian capital of sex drugs and alcohol. One resident dubbed  his town, 'The home of trashy tourism' and called it 'Soddom and Gomorrah on Sea'. Now if that doesn't sound like the new Magaluf I don't where would. Could be the perfect destination if your planning a hen or stag party.

 

For all you long hair types who cant think what to do with your straggly maine, forget dressing it up with a 'man bun'. Try a 'man braid'. What better way to tease and dress your hair for a night out with friends. Big in America, bound to hit theese shores pretty soon.

 

One of the biggest selling mobile apps at the moment is the noise of a typewriter keyboard, It adds the sound effects as you type on your phone. Seems like we miss the sound of old technology, so much so that the Times newspaper has the tap tap tap of typewriters clicking away played in the background of their newsroom, as they say it improves productivity.

 

Perhaps our big two premier league teams should take a leaf out of Hull Uniteds book, to attract fans to the game they actually pay them! At present anyone going the game gets paid £2. After some of the games seen already this season it will take a lot more than £2 to get some fans to go back

 

I hear Ryan Giggs and Gary Neville are going into the hotel business their new venture opens up in Manchseter in a few months. I don't imagine they are going for the top end five star luxury market. They've creatively called it. 'Hotel Football' – Now if Carlsberg did hotels.........  

 

The clothes store Gap have taken the trend for 'normal' to the next level, they now have style advisers available to give you tips on how to dress 'normally'. It would be nice to  know what 'normal' is these days.

 

 

Wanted : A football sugar daddy

Wanted: a football “Sugar Daddy”. Apply to a football club near you – note: must have deep pockets.

The hunt for the elusive no strings attached football club owner is on. Anyone heard of John Moores? He was the Roman Abramovitch of his day with his Littlewoods pools millions who lavished his family wealth on his beloved Everton football club, spending money like their was no tomorrow. In the sixties, the club became known as The Millionaires, such was his willingness to splash the cash. Sir John was always good for a few thousand (a lot in those days!) whenever his manager spotted talent. Sadly, when Sir John died, so did his money and the club went into decline.

Everton were not the only club with a local benefactor. The football league, as it was then, was full of “local” businessmen spending their wealth on their local club. Hard to believe that, in their heyday, Manchester United got their cash from the local butcher’s family, the Edwards.

So why did it all go wrong? It’s easy to blame it all on television (especially Sky TV), but, since the mid-eighties, football’s local connections have been steadily erased. A victim of its own success, football became a business with the profit & loss scores becoming the only game in town. The cash rich, no questions asked carpetbaggers from the Middle East and Eastern Europe descended like a rash on the football league.

In the mid-eighties, when the word of the day was “loadsa-money”, these brash, flash billionaires coming from football team poor countries were welcomed into town. With their oil rich millions, they wanted a piece of the most successful league in the world – and, for some, it was the lifeblood they needed. Who wouldn’t snatch the hand off a willing benefactor promising millions?

Some clubs, like current premier league champions Manchester City, had to kiss a lot of frogs before they found their Prince Charming. Other clubs, like Leeds United and the Blackburn Rovers, have paid the price for jumping into bed with wealthy foreign investors and gone from champs to chumps, whilst others like Manchester United and Liverpool have bet it all on red and gambled on success the corporate American way.

The days of the local club forlocal fans are a thing of the past. How can it be local when it’s a global phenomenon, with every game beamed live all around the world? The average Liverpool fan is as likely to come from Tokyo as Toxteth, and for thousands and thousands of supporters every game is an away day.

Could the Edwards’s family from Manchester ever have imagined how big a business their little old football club would become? If they thought they had it good in the sixties and seventies, what would they make of the club today? Manchester United PLC is quoted on the stock market; the board room where decisions are made isn’t in the bowls of Old Trafford, but the skyscrapers of Wall Street – it’s the shareholders the board answers too. The fans are are just the television extras that fill out the stadium week in week out. The price all these clubs pay for selling their heritage is to sacrifice what the fans want for what the shareholders demand. You get your success (occasionally!), but at the whim of the owners. No longer a football fan, more of a business fan. Success isn’t measured so much by cups won as by the pounds banked.

Those Manchester City fans celebrating their premiership title last season have a lot to be thankful for, as they are run as a modern day family business, albeit a Middle Eastern royal family. The manager is lavished with cash and can attract the world’s best players with promises to pay them huge amounts. They play at a state of the art stadium and enjoy facilities second to none. The former millionaires of Everton in their rundown shabby ground can only look on enviously at their “new money” billionaire neighbours. The days of the millionaire are long gone – it’s a billionaire or nothing.

Sadly, the cash to fund the rich mans plaything is drying up, just like the Saudi oil princes and the Russian oligarchs. It’s the TV contracts that are feeding the fire of modern day football. With worldwide deals filling the pots, the premier league elite have never been so cash rich. But the question is, for how much longer? Football once relied on the fans for the majority of its revenue, but not anymore. The beautiful game is dictated by TV schedules; they pay, you play (whenever they say).

What happens if Sky decides to pull the plug? How can clubs hooked on TV cash pay the wages of the lucrative contracts, the loans? Where’s the cash going to come from? It’s a knife edge for many clubs balancing the books and when the money’s gone and the accountants and liquidators move in, the first question they’ll be asking is “Where’s your daddy?”

Man Talk 24th August 2014

The song if you want to be happy for the rest if your life never make a pretty woman your wife, may have a ring of truth about it for some people. just ask the guy from Newcastle who won an unenviable award for 'punching above his weight' after he tied the knott with his new model bride. It's not the kind of thing you want overhear in the pub or have thrown in your face everytime you have a tiff now is it!  And whilst diets seems like an obsession for most newly married women. A report this week says counting calories isn't a part of the plan for newly married men. They eat more, drink more and generally pile on the pounds once they are wed. 

The hipster scruffy beardy look doesn't seem to want to go away and whilst designer scruff seems to be in vogue for the cool kids. Us normal blokes have been waiting for our little niche fashion trend. So thank goodness the football season is back and with it comes "Lads Cassual' yes fashionistas say trainers sports shirts and even shorts are the bang on new trend for autumn. Now theirs a trend us 'normal' fellas  can all feel comfortable with. 

After-all how many of us can carry off the flower beard, yes the cool kids (again!) are dressing  up their face hair with some wild flora. Obviously not a terrace look. And where would you get it done? 

Have you heard about this crazy trend on Instagram men are shaving their chest hair so it looks like a bra then posting the pictures - can't help thinking that's something they'll regret in the future 

Somebody told me the other day that the first tweet was sent 18years ago it said 'just setting up my first twtr' - but my first thought was who was he going to send it too? 

Hers something for all you budding DJs Paris Hilton was paid 347,000 dollars per hour for spinning discs in Ibiza this summer - nice work if you can get it!!

Have used the Siri option on your IPhone? It's the facility to ask your phone a question and it replies with an answer. This supposedly know all service isn't as good as it makes out a murderer tried to use the option to ask the question how they should get rid of a dead body? Obviously it gave the wrong answer and he's now awaiting sentencing

Saw an ad for under ease underpants the other day the strapline is 'Releave  the Pain without the shame' hi tech odourless underpants - Christmas is coming!!

Everyone is talking about the woman who walked free from court after being caught by customs with sixteen grand hidden in her knickers. Maybe she was a lapdancer said one wag! Case closed then. badabing! 

Here's something I heard the other day, it's impossible to stop thinking! Urgh....Think about it 

Man talk 9th August 2014

 

Man Talk 9th August 2014

 

Its a real kick in the teeth for us Brits when you hear that, in a survey,the rest of the world think the person they most associate with being a typical british male is Mr Bean! Yes the hapless chump who can't speak properly who trys to scrimp on everything and will cheat and lie to get what he wants, is  your average foreigners idea of you and I. Come to think of it they may be right!

 

And the winner is.... Shamus Beaglehole, who was recently celebrated for having the name of the year, in a recent poll. He narrowly beat off the runner up Dr Eve Gruntfest, so close but so far. Submissions are now being taken for next years competion if you think you can better that. P.S. Only legitimate names can enter, no made up ones allowed.

 

Hows this for a great way to watch one of the scariest films of all time 'Jaws'. In a dingy in an outdoor swimming pool. One clever swimming baths in London had the brilliant idea of showing the film with added water to give the film a touch of reality. Wonder if anyone to large turned up and the staff got to say the classic line....'We're going to need a bigger boat.'

 

Here's the conspiracy theory that everybodies talking about this week,  Apple slow down the performance of their Iphones just before they launch a new version, so we'll all run out and buy one. Anyone else noticed their phones on a go slow? The X- Files live on.

 

Ever felt like your blending into the background and nobody knows your there, Well your not alone. A survey this week has found that once men reach the age of 39 they become invisible to women.  Unfortunately once we hit the big three nine us guys are just not memorable anymore. Perhaps thats why David Beckham has taken to relaunching his underwear range. Once seen in those budgie smugglers never fogotten!

 

Coincidence or trend? Saw a man smoking a pipe the other day, thought thats unussual, who smokes a pipe these days? Then within minutes saw somebody else doing the same thing! So, the question is are pipes making a comeback? Theirs something cozy about a man with a pipe, thoughtful, cheerful you always imagine a pipe smoker as mr dependable. You'd never see a rock star or a footballer puffing on a pipe. Or maybe we will soon... The pipe is on its way back!

 

How strange is this as an accompanyment to a beer a plate of radishes! Yes those little red rock hard balls where served up with my pint in a bar in France recently! I mean what do you say to that? Obvioulsy its a French thing.

 

One man who will never have to buy a beer again is Orlando Bloom, after he punched Justin Beiber.  Well at least he'll have something to cry into now.

 

Who said an education is wasted, you can now get a Phd in toilets, yes somebody has created a degree course in all things loo related. Well there's three years of your life down the pan!