Suits you sir....

Man talk 26th July 

They say every girls crazy bout a sharp dressed man - which may account for current turmoil in Greece and the reports that German chancellor Angela Merkyl was not a fan of the the Greek finance minister Yanis Varoufakis. Could Mrs M's disdain be down to Yanis lack of respect for that staple of the corporate business world, a shirt and tie. Throughout those long hours of the Greek bailout talks the European ministers remained sombrely suited and booted. Whilst across the table their Greek counterparts wore every business fashion faux par imaginable from open neck shirts and T shirts to leather jackets. ( if you could see under the table they were probably wearing shorts and flip flops as well!) and to add insult to injury instead of a limo The Greek finance minister arrived at the meetings on a motor bike with his wife on the back! It was the equivalent of Del Boy and his three wheeler turning up to negotiate the Uk's terms for remaining in the EU 

Business has it's etiquette and a suit and tie combo is part of it, perhaps that's where the Greeks found it so difficult to convince everyone they were serious. I see the cool bravado dress sense of Richard Branson at work here. His approach to business dress might apply if your trying to get a boy band a record deal.  But when your trying to persuade a hostile partner to lend you billions and billions of Euros. First rule is if you look sharp, at least people will think you mean business. The exception to this shirt and tie rule is of course Richard Branson.  Like all those Greek temples there Casually dressed negotiating tactic has ended up in ruins. And it's back to the beach for Yanis. The Greeks have learned the hard way that the Virgin approach to business doesn't work for everyone,  but I bet if you asked Richard Branson about business etiquette he'd tell you it's always been all Greek to him anyway. 

It was sad day for Scottish national pride  this week, when The chip shop who's claim to fame was that it was the birthplace of the deep fried mars bar was ordered to take down its sign. No wonder the scots want independence. 

More Scottish news this week - There's a bridge in Dumbarton that has been dubbed the dog suicide bridge. It's claimed that over 500 dogs have gone their and then jumped off the bridge at Overtoun House.  - probably because they couldn't get their deep fried mars bars -  Bow wow wow! 

Queue the music - I bet it It was like a geeky Top of the Pops countdown when the top 10 supercomputers in the world was revealed at a convention in Frankfurt last week. Straight in at number 1 was  Tianhe2 from china. Imagine a computer literate Jeremy Clarkson reading out the stats and salivating over this bad boys performance figures. It can manage 33.86 petaflops per second yes you heard me a 'Petaflop' and  in case you didnt know one petaflops is equal to one quadrillion equations which simplified again means it would take you or me 32000 years to do one quadrillion equations. Maybe it's rapture for computer nerds, but my brain hurts just thinking about it.

Man Talk 13th June

Man talk 13th June 

The summer is a dangerous time for us couch potatoes. With the limited choice of sport as an excuse A wife with far much time on her hands is prone to look around the house and point out those odd jobs you have been promising to do but keep finding reasons to put off. 

From painting the fence to wall papering the bedroom . Excuses and reasons not to do it are thin on the ground. Gone are the days when a man would revel  in the achievements of decorating his home or the opportunity to assemble and fit a kitchen 

Nowadays if a job needs doing we're more than likely to - 'get a man in' A recent report backs up this theory B&Q once the home of the handyman is closing some of its stores because we just don't do DIY anymore. 

Back in the day a visit to one of these Hardware heavens  could be as much of an adventure as a daytrip to Alton Towers.

 However, much like fixing the car, we've decided to leave these jobs to the experts . And who can blame us, when we look at all those crimes agains home decorating we all committed during those crazy 80's.  

Egged on by the 'experts' like Craig from 'big brother' 'handy' Andy and Tommy Walsh These DIY giants became household names. They convinced us that 'Artexing' was sexy ( failing to mention that the plastered nipple finish made the walls as dangerous as broken glass.)

What they failed to mention, once up up it was there as long as the house was. 

And we all believed them when they told us by covering the walls in wood panels it would  not only hide all the cracks the damp and the flaky plaster but also create a perfect Swiss mountain lodge effect for our living room Especially if we built our own slate fireplace to house our state of the art electric flame effect fireplace. 

For the more traditional finish it had to be woodchip wallpaper. But who knew that If you ever did tier of this finish to your walls, it required the patience of a saint to remove it. Years later I rememberer turning down the opportunity to buy a beautiful hose because it was top to bottom wood-chip. Stripping it would be a lifetimes work, as it came off in postage stamp size pieces. 

Then their was the ceilings. Artexing was an option or how about Those polyester ceeling tiles. They had a  life span of about a fortnight before they would either lift and flap for a few days before  floating harmlessly down to earth. Then refuse to return to their spot, even when using an industrial strength glue it would refuse to stick to the ceeling, but had no reservations about clinging fast to the sofa the floor or even the cat after it stealthily glided down to earth. 

We've committed so many crimes against DIY. We deserve to live in brick wall cell. Here's my favourite story about the perils of buying a DIY enthusiasts house. We bought our first house back in 1980. It was two up two down terrace in Tuebrook. The owners were rightly proud of their handy work, which included all the above plus no bath but a modern walk in shower! And their DIY  ' piece de resistance' sunken fluorescent six foot light tubes set out in three banks in the living room. Buried beneath the polystyrene tiles each housing contained three different coloured tubes one white one red and a green. The light switches required the skill of a NASA scientist to operate.I  remember the pride on the face of the the old owner as he demonstrated all the different lighting options. 

He began each operation by saying - flick of a switch Red or flick of a switch Green and then magically the room was bathed in which ever shade of light he chose. Select red and you could turn the living room into an authentic Amsterdam Brothel. Or go green and you had your very own fairy groto. And then he went full on white And I expected a ships horn to sound as it cruised off course down West Derby Road. And their was all  the different colour combinations.all of which (remember it was the 80's) left us fumbling in out pockets for change to secure the purchase and unable to sleep frightened we might be gazumped. 

We were so excited to be phoning our solicitor and the building society first thing in the morning to get the buying wheels in motion. 

We were the envy of  Everyone! And so it was when we came to sell 12 months later. New buyers where falling over themselves to buy our DIY palace. They were as excited about the place as we had been. 

Sandfly or not today's house buyer doesn't want  anything so fancy and builders are reluctant to offer anymore than plastered walls and en suite bathrooms. Even BobThe Builder has lost his charm. He got to number one in the charts singing can we fix it. To which we all used to shout back YES WE CAN!

Now it more likely to be no! We Can't  - be bothered but I know a man who can.

 

Man Talk 29th June

Man talk 29th June 

Lots of talk about big name swanky restaurants opening in Liverpool  this week.All good, but how about a word for the little people. And let's celebrate the host of independent eateries that have sprung up around Bold St recently. From Moroccan and  and Asian Fusion cuisine to Indian and Mexican street food. The area has become swamped (in a good way) with hip and trendy cheap places to eat and socialise. It reminds me of New York it's so random and just to prove the point  there is even a Friends inspired coffee shop.if you haven't already check it out your bound to find somewhere  'There for you.....'

If your a footballer what do your clothes say about you? Remember back in 96 when Liverpool turned up at Wembley in their white suits. They were dubbed the ' Spice boys' and basically stunk the place out with their performance. All flash and no Bash they got whooped by bitter rivals ManU . Step forward 20 years, to this years champions league final.  Barcelona chose a double denim ensemble as their club outfit. If as they say clothes maketh the man, then could this rough and rugged look have inspired the team to work hard dig deep and eventually claim the prize. LFC and EFC take note try turning up for the first game in a boiler suit and wellies, it's a  ready for anything look, and perhaps Brendan and Roberto should try a hard hat and Hi-Viz jacket combo so the fans know who to aim all those insults at. 

And whilst were at it when does pre season start for the St. John's ambulance,? Great job that they do. But fitness levels last season were shocking.I'm always worried by the time they reach the injuried players it's usually them who look like they need the oxygen and a stretcher..

It's about this time of the year I'm badgering Barbara about why 'we should have gone to Glastonbury'. And she never tires of telling me about the 'joys'of having to camp in a field. The pleasure of queueing for the 'long Drop'. Of Being covered in mud, hungry, tierd and moaning about being to hot/cold/wet. Glastonbury never fails to ignite my inner wannabe rock fan. unfortunately my sensible other half is there  to remind me it's always better on TV. And bonus you can go to the toilet and not lose your spot. 

Wonder how many people are staying at Glastonbury in a 'Gothavan' advertised as an all black top to bottom caravan. It's the ideal little rock star wannabe camping number - paint it black why don't you 

My favourite Glastonbury story of the week was about Lionel Ritchie - he was described in an article as a 'cat daddy' modern speak for any man over fifty years old who still does it for the younger ladies - Easy like a Sunday morning indeed 

We spent a heated couple of hours last week considering how we would divie up 93 million if it had been one of us that scooped the Euro lottery jackpot. After buying the obligatory 'big' house the new car and the holiday, and of course give a bit away. Nobody knew what they'd do with 'loadsa-money' - we did however all agree 'it wouldn't change us! - yeah right???

Talk about a long player Radiohead Frontman Thom Yorke's Latest Song Is 432 Hours Long And Will Take You Over A FORTNIGHT To Listen To. - Only for the die hards

Model behaviour - Couldn't believe the quote in a fashion magazine from a very well known hipster blokey model. He was asked where he gets his style inspiration from, and in all

seriousness he replied 'From the homeless, they can put anything together and it just works” - yeah those homeless people have really got it going on. No homes but amazing dress sense!- unbelievable!!

Did you see the story from

Cornwall that a ban on mankini's has cut crime in Newquay  by nearly half - merseyside police take note 

Are you a 'Jetrosexual' or the type of guy who is ready at the drop of a hat to  hop off for a weekend of fun in the sun 

Man Talk 29th May

Man Talk 29th May

Here's some news to brighten your weekend. Pop Diva Kylie Minogue is on the look for a bald fat bloke as her next 'Mr Right' she said she's fed up with hunks. And would be quite happy to settle for a man who's grey and has a bit of a paunch. good looking guys is where she went  wrong Now isn't that music to every middle aged single mans ears. Gives her song I should be so lucky a totally new meaning.

So are you twiddling your thumbs thinking how are you going to spend your days until the footie season starts again? Well how about finding yourself a new sport to pas the time. The question is, what is the definition of a sport? A big court case recently found that card games such as bridge should be classed as a sport. Being old skool,  I like the definition I once read better. It said, sport is anything you have to change your shoes for. 

Tests have found that some men's beards contain the same kind of germs found in a toilet. If that wasn't bad enough, the researchers found in some beards the levels of bacteria were so high if it was in the water system it have to be closed down. Think about that next time your child is dangling on Father Christmas's knee 

Are you a 'Prepper'? Thats what  the American Media have dubbed its citizens who are stockpiling for an impending disaster. Catastrophes they are preparing for include, a zombie apocalypse. Or worse still the collapse of civilisation. Their are now so many people in America who believe its only a matter of time before the end literally does become nigh, that they recently held a convention to talk about and prepare  for it. Those who attended are so totally obsessed with preparing for the end if the world, they describe themselves as 'Doomtards' - I cant imagine a night out with any of them would be a barrel of laughs. 

Now here's something you don't see on the jobs page of the Echo. In a Saudi Arabia paper  their was a vacancy advertised for eight executioners, didn't say anything about experience or training, or why they need eight. Could be business is booming or perhaps the former employees all  got the chop!

Man Talk 17th May

Man Talk 17th May

Forget trying to get the perfect six pack. The 'Dadbod' is the in demand physique for the over forties. It's described as a firm girth with just the hint of a beer belly. Now that's a more realistic body shape, and who knew I've been working towards perfecting that look for ages. 

Now that the election is over, maybe The losing party leaders should have taken a few tips from Russian leader Vladimir Putin on how to win friends and  influence people. He's got his own Motor Bike Gang called the Nightwolves. Forget the tour bus Imagine if Ed Millibrand had a biker gang and brought rolling thunder into town, revving up and doing wheelies along Lime Street. A leathered up Ed or Nick or even Nigel and the result could have been totally different. 

Thunderbirds are go again on TV and fashion watchers are saying we should be taking style tips from the puppet cast. Geoff's safari style shirts are cool. And for the smarter man Alan's shirt and tie combo are hot and when off duty Thunderbird one pilot Scott always looks dapper in a blazer. And as for Brains, his choice of  glasses are real trendsetters. Everyone gets a mention for their stylish ways apart from John. Maybe that's why he was stuck up in space on Thunderbird Five - obviously he doesn't look  F-A-B enough.

Love is in the ear - scientists say men can hear a pretty face, and can  fall in love just by hearing a voice. 

How many of you knew that strippers have been banned from performing at funerals in China this week. Now there's a thing You never see at a funeral over here. No mention of pole dancers yet though 

Eye brow shaping for men has been banned in Iran obviously the metrosexual is not a thing there yet, but the 'Monobrowsexual' is. 

Formula 1 fans are complaining the cars aren't loud enough. they say new technology means you can't hear them coming. Here's an idea why not stick a big base sound system in the back and blast out the Mr Whippy jingle. Problem solved!

Who wants to live to be 1000? over America lots of people do. Funny that the Anti aging institute research programme is funded by lots of rich old men and internet billionaires from silicone valley. 

 An Arsenal fan made his girlfriend sit an exam about his favourite team to make sure they were compatible -  maybe a few other requirements for the perfect 'gooner' girlfriend would be, she enjoys long periods of silence. She'd understand that her partner would often makes a mountain out of a mole hill, and that they will complain about the slightest thing and of course expect to be constantly told how unlucky they are. 

Man Talk 3rd May 2015

The latest must have social media App, we are all supposed to have is called  'Periscope'. The love child of Twitter and Facebook it's your opportunity to broadcast 'live' to the world the mundane little non important moments of your life. It's your chance to be the star of your own  'Me' TV. The world is becoming more and more obsessed with recording and playing out our lives via social media to whoever wants to watch. Periscope has only added to the dross known collectively as 'Borecore'. The mind numbing nothingness that we think other people are interested in. I just hope Periscope users torpedo the idea and it sinks without a trace. 

Their is no accounting for taste  Twitter Has turned Ed Miliband Into a Sex Symbol with over 20,000 posts under the hashtag #Milifandom - expressing their love for the labour leader- as Ed's doppelgänger double Wallace might say - cracking!!

Joey Essex opinion on the election 'They should keep things brief I mean Liberal Democrats is quite a long word innit' - He's got a point 

Superstar DJ Calvin Harris is reported to earn a milllion dollars a night spinning tunes. Not singing or dancing just pressing play - nice work if you can get it 

So that's why bees are disappearing.  A report this week claimed that bees are dieing out because they are living on the equivalent of junk food. Cheap pesticides mean the pollen is deficient in nutrients. It's the equivalent of a burgers and fries diet which leaves the bees bored and lethargic they are basically losing their buzz! - sounds familiar 

Experts have warned that marrying the Hulk could be a recipe for sleep disaster They say his thick neck would probably mean he is a heavy snorer. I'd just be careful if you ever have to tell him, you know what happens when he gets angry! 

Man Talk 4th April

Ever had a case of the box set blues. That empty feeling you get after you complete a marathon watch of an addictive series. I've been there with Breaking Bad  and Game of Thrones, and the latest series to leave me wanting more was the brilliant Love/Hate an Irish crime drama I've watched all five series in about three weeks. It was addictive, but now that I've completed my couch marathon  I'm feeling a little bit lost, and thats the problem with box sets and downloads, you really can't be bothered waiting a week for the next episode anymore. Thank goodness for Netflix. I've taken a sneak peak at bloodlines and House of Cards both look so good I'm saving them up for a proper binge. Who said theirs nothing good on TV 

Can you believe McDonalds are launching their own clothes line. From t shirts to jackets and boots, the range will all come with the distinctive Big Mac logo. Theirs something a little bit 'tasteless' about wearing clothes that promote a less than healthy diet. I expect this will be one designer label where you won't have a problem getting the larger sizes, and of course supersize, will always be an option. Wonder if they'll make a fat suit? 

In Venezuela they have fingerprint scanners in supermarkets. They say it's  to monitor what your buying and to discourage you from hoarding. - I like that idea of someone telling me when I've got to much of something already. it  will save me a fortune! 

Here's a trend from America, men are scheduling their vasectomies during the college basketball playoffs. This way they can justify having time off work and catch the biggest games of the basketball season. I wonder if their is the same spike in snip operations around World Cup time in this country.

Scientist have found that men can lose weight by just sitting on the couch and doing nothing. In fact they lose nearly 3 times more calories than a woman from just laying back and relaxing. Now for those of us who have become skilled in this practice and have been called  a 'couch potato' or accused of just   'dossing around' you can now correct these false assumptions and call it what it is a work out.

A must have for your mobile is a 'Drunk' mode app. The creators say It saves you from making the embarrassing phone call or sending that text you know you'll regret the next day. To overcome the locked phone - you have to be sober enough to solve a maths problem, otherwise it only allows you 

 emergencies calls. 

Funniest thing on TV this week was Jeremy Paxman leaders interview. Talk about making them

squirm. After seeing the first few debates. Its Paxman who gets my vote. Can he win it? Hell yeah!