Man Talk 30th June 2014

Well that's that England's participation in this years World Cup is over and what a relief, no more listening to all those ex. Players now wannabe pundits,  spouting pure dross about our chances of going all the way ....
With all those squill ions of pounds they earn you'd think that they would  spend a bit of it on some voice coaching. Instead we had panel after panel of ex pros so wooden you could build a fence with them

But a special places in football commentary hell needs to be set aside for Phil Neville, the barrel was well and truly scrapped when Phil was handed microphone duty for the  England Italy game  I'm not sure    What got the most complaints the team or Phil's grim reaper comments  if the team didn't have this kiss of death already Phil wheeled his words of misery and doom like doctor death on a call out. But give him his due he was big enough to laugh about it later despite the tons of abuse he received, he said on twitter at least he was happy that he'd  helped some people get to sleep. 

They do say silence is golden, so perhaps it might have been a good idea if old golden balls himself  David Beckham had  let his feet do the talking rather than his mouth during his recent Brazilian  rainforest adventure. He looked his usual grizzled and rugged self as he travelled down the amazon and it was all going so well until he opened his mouth. Not so much  a Bear Grylls growl more a Joe Pasquale squeak It's a pity his vocal skills don't compare with his  footballing ones. From head to toe he's faultless. It's just when he opens his mouth that it all goes wrong. I think Sky have now recognised his short comings and are playing to his strengths, in his latest sky sports ads he smiles and looks pretty but says nothing. And why should he speak, as the song goes  you say it best when you say nothing at all. And does Becks really need a voice? No, not really being silent never harmed the careers of Charlie Chaplin Mr Bean or even his wife

Who knows come the next World Cup, listening to all those terrible commentators may be unnecessary, with the rise of the 'emoji' those little humorous with a little 'h' characters that people add to texts and messages. They are fast becoming an international language of their own and with another 250 characters being added next month these little icons could do away with the need for words all together and we could be communicating on a global level with just pictures. In the future the saying a picture paints a thousand words could actually become true! 

So that's it for another 4 years as Brian clough the Gu'ovener of tv pundits so aptly put it on paper we are a good team unfortunately we play on grass

Someone offered me a CD the other day and my first thought was what an I going to do with that? It's a stupid size won't fit in my pocket and needs something even bigger to play it on. Never mind the fact that only contains about 12 songs, just think you'd  have to carry a bag of about 75 CDs  around to match the ultra slim pocket size phone music combo in your pocket. And don't get me started on the ratio of books to kindles. How quickly we move on! 

Demand for CDs may be dying but  Vinyl records are going  from strength to strength. So much so that not satisfied with having the  Beatles back catalogue digitally remastered on black plastic you can now get it in the original mono format. I can't believe that people really want to listen to  tinny scratchy jumpy toned versions of John Paul George and Ringo classics  

In Ancient Greece it was said that you could never be considered a great leader unless you had a big belly. Having just returned from holiday and looked at myself in the mirror I now consider my self ready to stand for election! 

Man Talk 15th June 2014

Michael Corleone once said 'Just when I thought I was out, they dragged me back in. I'm having a bit of a Godfather moment myself right now over the World Cup. Never planned to be a fan of the England thing. Or a believe the hype 'this is our year'. And so the stupid o'clock kick off times the over soled over priced over there blue eyed boys of Woy's 23 were all good reasons to turn off and turn in (to bed) . But here I am two days in blurry eyed having stayed up for the 3rd night in a row until past two in the morning to watch football catch up. So what happened? Looks like they made me an offer I couldn't refuse! 

And for once nobody is actually predicting we are going to win the thing. Celebrity pundits such as James Corden got it right he said this week 'Its the Hope that kills you' Prepare for dissapointment. Even Ex. England captain Rio Ferdinand warned fans to keep the expectations low. But perhaps Proffesor Steven Hawkings one of the greatest minds of our time who was asked to work out a formula for a winning team summed up our chances in by far the deepest and well tought out argument I've heard. When asked about Englands chances if they went to a penalty shootout . He said  'They couldn't hit a cows arse with a banjo'!!

Asda sem to be taking their patriotic fervour a little bit to extreme their Klu Klux Klan inspired hoodies have had to be withdrawn.

More science Richard Dawkins, not satisfied with trashing the existence of god has now turned his attention to fairytales. After declaring that are all rubbish he wasted more time trying to prove his point by using his big scientific brain to analyse the probability of it even being possible for a frog to turn into a Prince. He says that statistically it would be impossible- so that's it then case closed! Forget about fairy tales sounds to me like he's the one who is away with the fairies!! 

I would love to go exploring iall the old boarded up buildings in the city. The ones that have been empty for years like those on Lime street just to see whats been left behind. So you can imagine how jealous I was this week when I heard about A guy called Dan Maibix he describes himself as an 'Urban Explorer' and breaking in to old buildings and exploring is just what he does. He may not have Indianna Jones type adventures but seeing some of his beautiful pictures of forgotten buidlings from around the globe is just as exciting. I bet he would have a field day around here. When I grow up that's what I want to be....

I was listening to a guy who describes himself as 'futurologist' the other day. Now theirs a good job. Some might say he makes things up for a living and dreams big. Everything he says is in the future so how can you argue with a man when hes says things like one day we will all live on the moon and be able to fly and arrive at places half an hour before we left, it's all part of his job. And best of all he probably gets paid for it. . Just when I was thinking  he's having a laugh,  the next news item was about how driverless cars are almost a reality. Who'd of thought it.

Rubic cubes are forty years old this month and if they are around for another forty years I still wouldn't be able to complete one.

Is this what it's like to be old? Got bit  on the ear by some gnat type thing the other day first of all it swelled up like balloon eventually the swelling went but the ear has stayed big and floppy. Result is I've got an ear like an African elephant now swaying  in the breeze. Proper old mans ear!  At least next time a fly comes near it I'll be able to swot it away! 


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Man Talk 27th May 2014

So how do you like your super hero's regular or super sized? Seems like there's controversy in the super hero world over how Ben Afleck looks in his role as the new Batman or should that be Fatman. It appears the caped crusader has bulked up and it's not to everyone's liking. But wouldn't a bigger  Bruce Wayne be more in keeping with our own ever growing girths. Perhaps our other favourite mighty men could embrace their bigger bodies with a larger more weight appropriate alter ego maybe the Hulk could become the Bulk and Spider-Man could add a few pounds and become 'wider-man' or maybe it's time for a new kind of superhero pizza man delivering faster than a speeding bullet or your money back  

Maybe someone need to have a word with the headmaster who was in the news this week after he changed the school hours to start later to fit in with  his students who like to stay up late. All very 'down with kids' but I can't imagine future employers will be as accomodating do you? 

. A town in the American mid west has made it an offence to wear low slung pants. So be careful If your travelling way out west. Get caught hanging and they punish you by stringing you up!

How do you feel about a personnel shoppers for guys? Top Shop in London have just introduced the service. Not sure How many of us would feel comfortable with another man picking out our wardrobe or telling us We look good in blue or that this colour drains you. And I'm sure Barbara wouldn't like if I went home and told her, that my personal stylist john told me it looks good on me! 

Poor YaYa Toure feelings got hurt because his team Manchester City didn't show him enough love on his birthday now he wants to leave. Sometimes paying a player hundreds of thousands of pounds a week just isn't enough.  

Shock news - Donald Trumps revealed in an interview that his hair is real! He chooses to wear it  in that style and he likes it! And in other 'the Donald'( that's how he likes to be known by the way!) news he has his own brand of aftershave - yes you too can cover yourself in the great smell of trump all day long!   - Well it works for him!

Do you suffer from "Busy Life Syndrome" its a real disorder, the symptoms are forgetfulness and lack of concentration. Doctors say more and more of us are suffering from it and one of the main causes is taking in too much daily information - yikes!! Could be me! Could be you? Experts say you can start the healing by putting down the newspaper and switching off the TV, the IPad and your phone, ....  If your like me you'll be going cold turkey at just the thought of it. Another one of those things that are easier said than done, don't think i like the idea of being busy doing nothing 

Man Talk 6th April 2014

 

 

 

 

My first car was a Morris Minor I bought it at the auctions On West Derby road, and I paid £100 for it. I was atracted to it by the colour It was petrol blue, and then it hooked me in when I saw that it had a starting handle in case I ever had a problem getting her going. I loved that car. I tell you this after my friend had a rant at me this week for not being able to give him chapter and verse on the pro's and con's of my latest car, which he was considering buying. Sorry but I glaze over when ever anyone talks to me about mileage horse power or performance. I would rather stick pins in my eyes than watch Clarkson and co, gush about getting from nought to fifty in blah blah bah seconds. A car  used to be things you could look after and even fix. You used to be able to change things like the plugs the points, even the fan belt. But these days?  Have you ever lifted the bonnet? All thats there, is what looks like a big suitcase, nothing to see, do or change anymore. You have to leave it to the 'experts', and it costs you an arm and a leg if they have to fix it. So why did I buy my current car? Unfortunately it didn't have a starting handle, but it did have other little gadgets like bluetoothe and a nice little camera that shows you when your reversing, oh and I liked the colour!

 

Talking of cars, The Formula One season has just started, and all those 'petrolheads' are complaining because the cars aren't noisey enough! Seems like as well as the smell of petrol and burning rubber, the fans want noise. They travel so fast these days how else would they know when they come charging past.

 

The guy who won all that money on the Euromillions lottery last week said he was going to buy a fleet of high performance cars, which is code for 'fast cars'. Now can anyone expain to me why anyone would want to spend gazillions of pounds on these high speed beasts of the road that can travel at hundreds of miles an hour when the speed limit at best is seventy? Money and sense the two don't seem to go together

 

Pst.. wanna buy a fence? Who knew their was a black market in fence panels since the storms, their like gold dust apparantley.

 

Gary Neville a sex symbol? Can you believe Hollywood beauty Keira Knightley thinks that the former Manchester United Full back is 'amazing'. I think all that Chanel number 5 must be going to her head that or she's drinking the stuff!

 

Ever fancied yourself as the next Peter Jones or Duncan Banatyne, deciding who you'll favour with your cash. Well now you too can be a Dragon, well of sorts. Websites such as Kickstarter offer you the opportunity to invest if projects films or inventions. Crowd funding as its called gives small time investors the opportunity to be part of potentially big opportunities. Check out the website and decide if 'YOUR IN', but be careful even big time dragons get burned sometimes.

 

How cool is this Bayern Munich don't have a number telve in their team. Because they say their fans are their twelveth man! Great PR whatever

 

Did you know that 'Penthraphobia' is the fear of mother in laws!    

 

Lets talk about death baby...Wonder how long before Liverpool opens its first 'Death Cafe' Becomming big in London, these pop up nights are get togethers to chat about all things death talking points include cremation or burial? What would songs would you like played at your funeral   and what would you have on your tombestone. Its not a first date kind of place is it.

 

So the big show everyone is talking about on Broadway is Rocky the Musical, It may include all your favourite hits from the boxing saga, but unlike the boxing fairytail that where it ends. The show is taking a right beating from the critics describing it in boxing terms as  tierd, leggy with punch drunk acting  and no knockout performances, ding ding! I expect they'll throw the towel in pretty shortly.

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Man Talk 14th February 2014

 

 

 

Is the love of your life a member of the 'Happy Wives Club'. If the answer is no then I bet you wish you could sign her up. This latest 'self help' bestseller from America would be music to most husbands ears. Don't nag, be grateful, never critisise, and dedicate your life to keeping your man happy, are just some of the suggestions, that the author, a women  by the way thinks would create a more harmonious relationship. Now maybe in the U S of A this kind of homespun advice goes down well but on the meanstreets of Liverpool I fear the worst. Buy this book at your peril

 

A report this week claimed if you want get yourself noticed get yourself a hat. They used the example of Pharrell Williams of 'Happy' fame, Now if you've seen Pharrel's hat you know why he's getting lots of attention its like something a Canadian Mountie would wear only twice the size. Wearing a hat like that would certainly get you noticed it would also cause lots of amusement in fact seeing somenone walking down the street in a silly hat like his would certainly make me 'Happy'  

 

A dating website has revealed that the perfect girlfriend is a Manchester United fan, Do you think that means she's frustrated after being dumped by an older man has high expectations but low self esteem and has seen better days.  

 

Is their any greater leveler in life that a sauna. How better to sort out lifes ill's than a room full of semi naked men sitting around sweating and discussing the burning issues of the day. The tube strike the weather, and who's going finsih higher Everton or Liverpool. All discussed debated and commented upon amidst a head of steam and vapour.

 

I have never been a wine lover, I've always thought of it of inferior rusty water. But this week I put all my predjudices aside and went to a wine tasting event at Il Forno restaurant in Duke street. And whilst I mightn't be converted, I have to say i've gained a better appreciation of a full bodied red, or the subtle bouquet of an Italian white. And I've realised why I didn't like wine – Australian Doc doesn't count and I only ever drank the cheap stuff!      

 

Couldn't believe this week when I heard that they put a baby Giraffe down in a zoo in denamark then fed him to the Lions. They blamed lack of space, but as one kind local soul wrote on twitter - 'can't believe they killed that Girrafe, I would have taken him in.'

 

I liked what the editor of Vanity Fair magazine said this week, in reply to Gwyneth Paltrow who is having an ongoing feud with mag. She asked how she cou;ld make herself more likeable. He said how about putting on 15lbs. just a joke or words of wisdom.

 

 

Man Talk 26th January 2014

 

 

They used to say 'every girl's crazy about a sharp dressed man', The twist this year is all the girls are crazy about grizzly looking tough guys in tuxes. The rough look is definitely in. Celebrities such as Jared Leto and Joaquin Phoenix have  rejected looking fresh and sparkly in favour of 'beardy', mean and moody. Think less Frank Sinatra, more Frank Gallagher from Shameless.  The current crop of 'flavour of the month' male Hollywood 'A' listers have adopted the wild man tamed for the night as their signature  look.  And yes they may have visited the salon but it wasn't for a haircut it was for a hair up. They've made the man-bun the hairstyle of the moment. rough and ready but with a stylists twist is definitely the hot look in tinsel town.   

 

It was reported this week that fine dining is dead, going out for a meal these days is all about the nosh not the posh, I blame Jamie Oliver 

 

One pump or two, turns out men just don't know when to stop when it comes to

applying their deodorant And heres the news boys, a survey this week says 80% of

girls don't like it They say its sickly and overpowering, more soap less splash

seems to be the message

 

So now we know the majority of comedians have psychological problems a survey

has found and how do we greet this news? we laugh at them!!

 

Stupidest argument of the week – who cut David Cameron's hair, believe it or not

some barbers are arguing over who can take credit for the PM's barnet! Order

order please gentlemen!!!

 

Instead of celebrating the best of cinema isn't nice to see awards the recognise

some of the awfulness we've had the misfortune to sit through over the last

twelve months, 'The Razzies' or the alternative oscars, celebrating the worst films of the year were announced this week. Those nominated included such epic fails as The Lone Ranger, After Earth and the dreadful Grown Ups 2. Blcokbusters that have given X rated a whole new meaning.

 

I've seen most of the contenders for this years best film Oscar, and I have to

say head and shoulders above them all is American Hustle. Christian Bale

deserves an Oscar just for his master class in how to construct a combover.

 

A man is suing a popular toothpaste company for false advertising after he

failed to score himself a girlfriend despite cleaning his teeth every day.! He

says the product failed to live up to its claim to boost confidence and

attractiveness and said all the rejection from women  caused him mental

suffering. Obviously he's lost his ring of confidence.

 

 

 

Man Talk 9th March 2014

 

Ever fancied wearing a cape you know the kind of thing the super hero's all wear. Well if you where at London fashion week ( anybody go?) you would have seen that capes are being touted as the hot number for men next Autumn Winter. Now I don't mind saying but the idea of wearing a cape leaves me a little cold. ( litterally!) I mean what is the purpose? Apart from if you want to make yourself stand out as a superhero, or unless your feeling chivelerous and want avoid a lady having to walk through a puddle. I'm afraid this is one fashion idea that just isn;'t going to fly.

 

Other trends from the mens shows included what could best be described as donkey jacket, perfect if your working outside and want to get noticed. Leather pants, these should only be worn if your planning on riding a motorbike, or a John Bon Jovi tribute act. Or my favourite the three piece camouflage suit ideal if you just want to blend into the background.

 

Maybe if your in a fashion frame of mind you may also like to get yourself a indoor hat, Yes some fashion bod has designed a hat especially to wear around the house. Now isn't that just what every man needs.  

 

If you ever thought those models on the front cover of Sports Illustrated magazine all look plastic well now you've been proved right. Barbie is the cover girl for the prestigious swimsuit edition. A more suitable model it would be difficult to find.

 

Perhaps whilst your relaxing in your mancave in your indoor hat you may want light up a man candle. Yes candle designes specifically for men are now available. Relaxing in the burning glow of a candle smelling of petrol or bacon or every mans favourite pencils!

 

Arm pit hair for women is supposed to be a trend, anyone else think the idea of the 'pit-fro' is a bit, well  not naural!

 

Are you like me bored with all the se movie awards. Every week theirs another one and a press pack shouting out the same old pointless questions as the stars shmooze down the red carpet  'so who are you wearing?' How about instead of listing all those designer names someone throew a spanner in the works and replied, Its second hand or I don't know I borrowed it or check the label for me or how my favourite Primark! Well at least it would be something most people could relate to or maybe even go out and buy!

 

Somebody said to me last week aren't you that fella from Sunday Echo, it took me back a bit and so  rather embarrasingly I faked a laugh and said no that's not me, The shame of it. Now I know how Saint Peter felt!