Bringing Back The Dead Chapter 1

Introduction - Bringing Back The Dead  In a future world, restoring life after death has become a reality. Science and the understanding of DNA has given man the ultimate power. 'Resurrection' - The power to restore life.   Bringing Back The Dead, is about the corruption of mans greatest achievement. The power to restore life after death. It centres around  a plot to bring back from the dead the leader of one of the worlds most deadly terrorist groups.  Ramal Khan, was the charismatic leader of the notorious terrorist organisation 'The Army Of Allah'. He was killed in a drone strike. After he died, leaderless his army disappeared. That was until they hatched a plan to bring him back  LifeGiver - Second Chance is a Reality TV game show, but it's no ordinary TV show. Its the most popular TV Programme in the world. An audience of billions regularly watch in the hope that someone they know will win the greatest prize -A  Second Life   Pavel  and Peta Savitch  have applied to be contestants on Life Giver - Second Chance. They have a story they believe  you will want to hear. It's a heart breaking tale of tragic consequences. But they have secrets. Can they convince the world they are telling the truth?  Its the public who decide who will be resurrected,  Are you ready to bring back the dead?  Bringing Back The Dead  A Novel - 1st draft  By  Paul Daley       Chapter 1       Vanburdens voice echoed through  the apartments amplified smartphone system. His thick Texan drawl was deep and warm with a hint of corny cowboy charm. He was calling to extend his now regular invitation for Steadman to join him at one of his 'get togethers' 'just me and  a few of the boys' he said matter of factly.    Steadman felt a little uneasy listening to  the Casual manner of the invite. He was tempted to connect with the caller and make some kind of excuse before declining the invitation . He had a mental flashback to the last 'get together'  just thinking about what happened gave him an embarrassed flush, if anyone had been in the room His uneasiness would have been quite apparent. He was relieved when the call ended and the apartment fell back to its orderly silence.   Steadman sat quietly considering what to do about this latest invitation. He'd been telling himself why he really should cut back on attending Vanburdens little parties. The obvious reason being it  could compromise his position at the Ministry for Regeneration Assessment, or department RegA. As it was more commonly known. As the ministries lead assessor Steadman was well aware of the importance of his position and why people like VanBurden and his business LifeGiver would want to try and influence him. These parties were to buy favors, he knew that, but he wasn't the only one  being wined and dined, most of the guests where in the same business. He chose  to tell himself that he was there to do some networking and to catch up with some old friends.   His position at RegA was too important for him to risk being compromised  As the senior assessor he was responsible for making the final recommendation on who would and who wouldn't be granted the life  re-affirmation protocol. Or as he was described in a particularly over the top tabloid article once, as the new age Jesus, the LifeGiver’s, the man with the power to decide do you deserve to be brought back from the dead.    Steadman knew that invitations like these were a perk of the job. Some people he knew liked to take advantage of the opportunities He on the other hand usually avoided contact with most of the schmoozers wanting his company . With Vanburden however it was different, maybe it was his hokey cowboy charm, or the fact that his parties were what you might call eye openers.   As corporate client control director for 'LifeGiver' the private life regeneration fund. He had Carte  Blanche to  show his guests a good time. His VIP party list was usually  an eclectic mix of science, celebrity and of course the bizarre. Steadman had come to realize he liked bizarre in fact the more bizarre the better, and that scared him and that's why he was sitting alone in silence thinking.      Steadman was one of an elite group of decision makers who where described again in the tabloids as the movers and shakers in new life regeneration. Vanburden and his company LifeGiver was part of a multi layered business consortium that had invested heavily in the field of regeneration. They courted  Steadman and his cronies for their power to grant approvals and licenses. All regeneration research was strictly controlled and monitored. Authorizations had to be obtained before any form of regeneration. And iit was Steadman who gave the final say on a life giving protocol.    Their was nothing they wouldn't do for these chosen men and particularly someone as influential as the head of RegA. Nigel Steadman    It was this over the top generosity that had always made him hesitant about attending. They called it a 'get together' but it was so much more. After reluctantly showing up at his first party and seeing so many familiar faces, It made it an easy decision to say yes to the next few phone calls from Vanburden. It's work he told himself.  That was at first.....   A constant refilling of his glass meant he'd lost track of how long he'd been at the party. He stood unsteadily cupping his drink and watching the X rated floorshow amongst a crowd of familiar faces. He smiled when he heard a voice he recognized shout, mother of god I've seen everything now a girl two guys and a son of a bitch monkey were does Vanburden find these freaks       Steadman looked around the room like some superior voyeur, he told himself that tonight he was only here to observe nothing else. He acknowledged the nods from a few Regen, business acquaintances A waiter approached and without asking replaced the glass he was holding with another one full of vintage brandy. He accepted the drink without comment, he was trying to act bored and disinterested he’d turned his back to what was now becoming a very explicit floor show,  but the roar of the crowd made it hard not to turn and watch, and he was soon engrossed by the spectacle before him. He was both excited and shocked in equal measures by what the quartet of performers were doing all in the name of entertainment. Of the family variety this certainly was not.     I'm surprised she can walk he heard someone say. Steadman watched for as long as he dare, before deciding it was time to move on and look for some other less guilty pleasures.   Vanburden seemed to have a sixth sense for these kind of things and as if by magic appeared at Steadmans side with a very young oriental looking girl.   you ready for some fun now, he said, one arm draped around the young girl the other holding a bottle of expensive looking Brandy he took a big swig then roared with laughter, before announcing    Steadman meet Fun   he presented the girl to him then took a step back and began laughing even harder Steadman looked hesitantly at His host unsure how to react, he felt clumsy and didn't know what to say or do, so Vanburden took the initiative and stepped forward and placed his arm around  the pretty but petite looking girls shoulders. Sensing Steadmans reluctance he whispered cheerfully under his breathe  relax amigo she's legal.    then resorted to his booming voice again even seen her papers He laughed loudly then took a swig from the bottle and deliberately topped up Steadmans glass, before continuing.    She looks so sweet because she bathes in asses milk every day, and then without warning spun her round and lifted her skirt. She wore no underwear, he bent her over to show off her nakedness more fully, the girl didn’t resist    see what I mean he stroked her flesh take a look at that ass he growled lasciviously then roared with laughter again then spanked the girl hard, which made her flinch before straightening her up and spinning  her round then guiding her into Steadmans arms. The girl without hesitation draped herself over him then drew him towards her snd began seductively kissing his neck.  . At first he wanted to recoil and  to push her away, but he hesitated and  feeling her warm body separated by the most flimsy of dresses and the warm intoxicating smell of her  perfume he allowed himself to be entwined by the girl  Vanburdens watched for a few seconds then roared again look at you two he cooed, before pulling a swig from the bottle he was holding. Steadman was no longer listening the girl was drawing him towards one of the sofas like a moth to a flame, he allowed her to push him down before she straddled him then began kissing him again    Enjoy your Fun….shouted van burden through a wide grin, their was no reply, so he watched them for a few more seconds before turning away. In that instant it was if a light switch had been flicked the smile was gone and a stern eagle eye scanned the room before picking out his next target.  Then the switch flicked again. The eyes sparkled the smile returned.  Jonesy he shouted you son if a bitch get your ass over here. From nowhere another young girl appeared she stood silently next to him, and waited whilst he threw his arm around the man    Jonesy he bellowed how about having some fun.   When Steadman woke his head was throbbing he was alone  in his own bed he didn't know how he gotten there it scared him that  he couldn't remember.  He reached to the bedside table and searched around for some pain relief tablets he fumbled with the packet which spilled its contents onto the floor he managed to find a strip which he shoved into his mouth. He chewed at the edible packaging then swallowed the dry powdery beads. The pain left his head immediately but he still had  a nervous churning in his stomach he felt scared, he felt like something might have happened last night, but no matter how hard he tried he couldn't remember anything.    He lay in bed for long time trying to remember but it was no good. He remembered arriving at the party he remembered Vanburden asking him would he like to have some fun and then blank. He eventually decided to try and think about something else so he limply raising his hand and waving  it like a wand  at the TV wall before it flashed into life. He heard the familiar opening bars of LifeGiver - Second Chance the hugely popular regeneration show. The booming anthem pierced his ears, before the excited cackle of the presenter announced    Welcome to LifeGiver    This was followed by a Deafening round of applause from the packed stadium crowd  the sense around sound amplified the noise and made the bedroom quake  Steadman felt like he had been catapulted into the center of  the crowd he waved his hand furiously to Change channels and the sound immediately subsided and was replaced  to the more Somber tones of the news anchor Walter Cronkite as he reported the top news story of the morning    A grim discovery over on the East river this morning. The mutilated body of a young girl had been found, have an on site  report coming up...   Steadman stomach took another role and his head began to throb again To be continued...

Suits you sir....

Man talk 26th July 

They say every girls crazy bout a sharp dressed man - which may account for current turmoil in Greece and the reports that German chancellor Angela Merkyl was not a fan of the the Greek finance minister Yanis Varoufakis. Could Mrs M's disdain be down to Yanis lack of respect for that staple of the corporate business world, a shirt and tie. Throughout those long hours of the Greek bailout talks the European ministers remained sombrely suited and booted. Whilst across the table their Greek counterparts wore every business fashion faux par imaginable from open neck shirts and T shirts to leather jackets. ( if you could see under the table they were probably wearing shorts and flip flops as well!) and to add insult to injury instead of a limo The Greek finance minister arrived at the meetings on a motor bike with his wife on the back! It was the equivalent of Del Boy and his three wheeler turning up to negotiate the Uk's terms for remaining in the EU 

Business has it's etiquette and a suit and tie combo is part of it, perhaps that's where the Greeks found it so difficult to convince everyone they were serious. I see the cool bravado dress sense of Richard Branson at work here. His approach to business dress might apply if your trying to get a boy band a record deal.  But when your trying to persuade a hostile partner to lend you billions and billions of Euros. First rule is if you look sharp, at least people will think you mean business. The exception to this shirt and tie rule is of course Richard Branson.  Like all those Greek temples there Casually dressed negotiating tactic has ended up in ruins. And it's back to the beach for Yanis. The Greeks have learned the hard way that the Virgin approach to business doesn't work for everyone,  but I bet if you asked Richard Branson about business etiquette he'd tell you it's always been all Greek to him anyway. 

It was sad day for Scottish national pride  this week, when The chip shop who's claim to fame was that it was the birthplace of the deep fried mars bar was ordered to take down its sign. No wonder the scots want independence. 

More Scottish news this week - There's a bridge in Dumbarton that has been dubbed the dog suicide bridge. It's claimed that over 500 dogs have gone their and then jumped off the bridge at Overtoun House.  - probably because they couldn't get their deep fried mars bars -  Bow wow wow! 

Queue the music - I bet it It was like a geeky Top of the Pops countdown when the top 10 supercomputers in the world was revealed at a convention in Frankfurt last week. Straight in at number 1 was  Tianhe2 from china. Imagine a computer literate Jeremy Clarkson reading out the stats and salivating over this bad boys performance figures. It can manage 33.86 petaflops per second yes you heard me a 'Petaflop' and  in case you didnt know one petaflops is equal to one quadrillion equations which simplified again means it would take you or me 32000 years to do one quadrillion equations. Maybe it's rapture for computer nerds, but my brain hurts just thinking about it.

Man Talk 13th June

Man talk 13th June 

The summer is a dangerous time for us couch potatoes. With the limited choice of sport as an excuse A wife with far much time on her hands is prone to look around the house and point out those odd jobs you have been promising to do but keep finding reasons to put off. 

From painting the fence to wall papering the bedroom . Excuses and reasons not to do it are thin on the ground. Gone are the days when a man would revel  in the achievements of decorating his home or the opportunity to assemble and fit a kitchen 

Nowadays if a job needs doing we're more than likely to - 'get a man in' A recent report backs up this theory B&Q once the home of the handyman is closing some of its stores because we just don't do DIY anymore. 

Back in the day a visit to one of these Hardware heavens  could be as much of an adventure as a daytrip to Alton Towers.

 However, much like fixing the car, we've decided to leave these jobs to the experts . And who can blame us, when we look at all those crimes agains home decorating we all committed during those crazy 80's.  

Egged on by the 'experts' like Craig from 'big brother' 'handy' Andy and Tommy Walsh These DIY giants became household names. They convinced us that 'Artexing' was sexy ( failing to mention that the plastered nipple finish made the walls as dangerous as broken glass.)

What they failed to mention, once up up it was there as long as the house was. 

And we all believed them when they told us by covering the walls in wood panels it would  not only hide all the cracks the damp and the flaky plaster but also create a perfect Swiss mountain lodge effect for our living room Especially if we built our own slate fireplace to house our state of the art electric flame effect fireplace. 

For the more traditional finish it had to be woodchip wallpaper. But who knew that If you ever did tier of this finish to your walls, it required the patience of a saint to remove it. Years later I rememberer turning down the opportunity to buy a beautiful hose because it was top to bottom wood-chip. Stripping it would be a lifetimes work, as it came off in postage stamp size pieces. 

Then their was the ceilings. Artexing was an option or how about Those polyester ceeling tiles. They had a  life span of about a fortnight before they would either lift and flap for a few days before  floating harmlessly down to earth. Then refuse to return to their spot, even when using an industrial strength glue it would refuse to stick to the ceeling, but had no reservations about clinging fast to the sofa the floor or even the cat after it stealthily glided down to earth. 

We've committed so many crimes against DIY. We deserve to live in brick wall cell. Here's my favourite story about the perils of buying a DIY enthusiasts house. We bought our first house back in 1980. It was two up two down terrace in Tuebrook. The owners were rightly proud of their handy work, which included all the above plus no bath but a modern walk in shower! And their DIY  ' piece de resistance' sunken fluorescent six foot light tubes set out in three banks in the living room. Buried beneath the polystyrene tiles each housing contained three different coloured tubes one white one red and a green. The light switches required the skill of a NASA scientist to operate.I  remember the pride on the face of the the old owner as he demonstrated all the different lighting options. 

He began each operation by saying - flick of a switch Red or flick of a switch Green and then magically the room was bathed in which ever shade of light he chose. Select red and you could turn the living room into an authentic Amsterdam Brothel. Or go green and you had your very own fairy groto. And then he went full on white And I expected a ships horn to sound as it cruised off course down West Derby Road. And their was all  the different colour combinations.all of which (remember it was the 80's) left us fumbling in out pockets for change to secure the purchase and unable to sleep frightened we might be gazumped. 

We were so excited to be phoning our solicitor and the building society first thing in the morning to get the buying wheels in motion. 

We were the envy of  Everyone! And so it was when we came to sell 12 months later. New buyers where falling over themselves to buy our DIY palace. They were as excited about the place as we had been. 

Sandfly or not today's house buyer doesn't want  anything so fancy and builders are reluctant to offer anymore than plastered walls and en suite bathrooms. Even BobThe Builder has lost his charm. He got to number one in the charts singing can we fix it. To which we all used to shout back YES WE CAN!

Now it more likely to be no! We Can't  - be bothered but I know a man who can.

 

Man Talk 29th June

Man talk 29th June 

Lots of talk about big name swanky restaurants opening in Liverpool  this week.All good, but how about a word for the little people. And let's celebrate the host of independent eateries that have sprung up around Bold St recently. From Moroccan and  and Asian Fusion cuisine to Indian and Mexican street food. The area has become swamped (in a good way) with hip and trendy cheap places to eat and socialise. It reminds me of New York it's so random and just to prove the point  there is even a Friends inspired coffee shop.if you haven't already check it out your bound to find somewhere  'There for you.....'

If your a footballer what do your clothes say about you? Remember back in 96 when Liverpool turned up at Wembley in their white suits. They were dubbed the ' Spice boys' and basically stunk the place out with their performance. All flash and no Bash they got whooped by bitter rivals ManU . Step forward 20 years, to this years champions league final.  Barcelona chose a double denim ensemble as their club outfit. If as they say clothes maketh the man, then could this rough and rugged look have inspired the team to work hard dig deep and eventually claim the prize. LFC and EFC take note try turning up for the first game in a boiler suit and wellies, it's a  ready for anything look, and perhaps Brendan and Roberto should try a hard hat and Hi-Viz jacket combo so the fans know who to aim all those insults at. 

And whilst were at it when does pre season start for the St. John's ambulance,? Great job that they do. But fitness levels last season were shocking.I'm always worried by the time they reach the injuried players it's usually them who look like they need the oxygen and a stretcher..

It's about this time of the year I'm badgering Barbara about why 'we should have gone to Glastonbury'. And she never tires of telling me about the 'joys'of having to camp in a field. The pleasure of queueing for the 'long Drop'. Of Being covered in mud, hungry, tierd and moaning about being to hot/cold/wet. Glastonbury never fails to ignite my inner wannabe rock fan. unfortunately my sensible other half is there  to remind me it's always better on TV. And bonus you can go to the toilet and not lose your spot. 

Wonder how many people are staying at Glastonbury in a 'Gothavan' advertised as an all black top to bottom caravan. It's the ideal little rock star wannabe camping number - paint it black why don't you 

My favourite Glastonbury story of the week was about Lionel Ritchie - he was described in an article as a 'cat daddy' modern speak for any man over fifty years old who still does it for the younger ladies - Easy like a Sunday morning indeed 

We spent a heated couple of hours last week considering how we would divie up 93 million if it had been one of us that scooped the Euro lottery jackpot. After buying the obligatory 'big' house the new car and the holiday, and of course give a bit away. Nobody knew what they'd do with 'loadsa-money' - we did however all agree 'it wouldn't change us! - yeah right???

Talk about a long player Radiohead Frontman Thom Yorke's Latest Song Is 432 Hours Long And Will Take You Over A FORTNIGHT To Listen To. - Only for the die hards

Model behaviour - Couldn't believe the quote in a fashion magazine from a very well known hipster blokey model. He was asked where he gets his style inspiration from, and in all

seriousness he replied 'From the homeless, they can put anything together and it just works” - yeah those homeless people have really got it going on. No homes but amazing dress sense!- unbelievable!!

Did you see the story from

Cornwall that a ban on mankini's has cut crime in Newquay  by nearly half - merseyside police take note 

Are you a 'Jetrosexual' or the type of guy who is ready at the drop of a hat to  hop off for a weekend of fun in the sun 

Man Talk 29th May

Man Talk 29th May

Here's some news to brighten your weekend. Pop Diva Kylie Minogue is on the look for a bald fat bloke as her next 'Mr Right' she said she's fed up with hunks. And would be quite happy to settle for a man who's grey and has a bit of a paunch. good looking guys is where she went  wrong Now isn't that music to every middle aged single mans ears. Gives her song I should be so lucky a totally new meaning.

So are you twiddling your thumbs thinking how are you going to spend your days until the footie season starts again? Well how about finding yourself a new sport to pas the time. The question is, what is the definition of a sport? A big court case recently found that card games such as bridge should be classed as a sport. Being old skool,  I like the definition I once read better. It said, sport is anything you have to change your shoes for. 

Tests have found that some men's beards contain the same kind of germs found in a toilet. If that wasn't bad enough, the researchers found in some beards the levels of bacteria were so high if it was in the water system it have to be closed down. Think about that next time your child is dangling on Father Christmas's knee 

Are you a 'Prepper'? Thats what  the American Media have dubbed its citizens who are stockpiling for an impending disaster. Catastrophes they are preparing for include, a zombie apocalypse. Or worse still the collapse of civilisation. Their are now so many people in America who believe its only a matter of time before the end literally does become nigh, that they recently held a convention to talk about and prepare  for it. Those who attended are so totally obsessed with preparing for the end if the world, they describe themselves as 'Doomtards' - I cant imagine a night out with any of them would be a barrel of laughs. 

Now here's something you don't see on the jobs page of the Echo. In a Saudi Arabia paper  their was a vacancy advertised for eight executioners, didn't say anything about experience or training, or why they need eight. Could be business is booming or perhaps the former employees all  got the chop!

Man Talk 17th May

Man Talk 17th May

Forget trying to get the perfect six pack. The 'Dadbod' is the in demand physique for the over forties. It's described as a firm girth with just the hint of a beer belly. Now that's a more realistic body shape, and who knew I've been working towards perfecting that look for ages. 

Now that the election is over, maybe The losing party leaders should have taken a few tips from Russian leader Vladimir Putin on how to win friends and  influence people. He's got his own Motor Bike Gang called the Nightwolves. Forget the tour bus Imagine if Ed Millibrand had a biker gang and brought rolling thunder into town, revving up and doing wheelies along Lime Street. A leathered up Ed or Nick or even Nigel and the result could have been totally different. 

Thunderbirds are go again on TV and fashion watchers are saying we should be taking style tips from the puppet cast. Geoff's safari style shirts are cool. And for the smarter man Alan's shirt and tie combo are hot and when off duty Thunderbird one pilot Scott always looks dapper in a blazer. And as for Brains, his choice of  glasses are real trendsetters. Everyone gets a mention for their stylish ways apart from John. Maybe that's why he was stuck up in space on Thunderbird Five - obviously he doesn't look  F-A-B enough.

Love is in the ear - scientists say men can hear a pretty face, and can  fall in love just by hearing a voice. 

How many of you knew that strippers have been banned from performing at funerals in China this week. Now there's a thing You never see at a funeral over here. No mention of pole dancers yet though 

Eye brow shaping for men has been banned in Iran obviously the metrosexual is not a thing there yet, but the 'Monobrowsexual' is. 

Formula 1 fans are complaining the cars aren't loud enough. they say new technology means you can't hear them coming. Here's an idea why not stick a big base sound system in the back and blast out the Mr Whippy jingle. Problem solved!

Who wants to live to be 1000? over America lots of people do. Funny that the Anti aging institute research programme is funded by lots of rich old men and internet billionaires from silicone valley. 

 An Arsenal fan made his girlfriend sit an exam about his favourite team to make sure they were compatible -  maybe a few other requirements for the perfect 'gooner' girlfriend would be, she enjoys long periods of silence. She'd understand that her partner would often makes a mountain out of a mole hill, and that they will complain about the slightest thing and of course expect to be constantly told how unlucky they are. 

Man Talk 3rd May 2015

The latest must have social media App, we are all supposed to have is called  'Periscope'. The love child of Twitter and Facebook it's your opportunity to broadcast 'live' to the world the mundane little non important moments of your life. It's your chance to be the star of your own  'Me' TV. The world is becoming more and more obsessed with recording and playing out our lives via social media to whoever wants to watch. Periscope has only added to the dross known collectively as 'Borecore'. The mind numbing nothingness that we think other people are interested in. I just hope Periscope users torpedo the idea and it sinks without a trace. 

Their is no accounting for taste  Twitter Has turned Ed Miliband Into a Sex Symbol with over 20,000 posts under the hashtag #Milifandom - expressing their love for the labour leader- as Ed's doppelgänger double Wallace might say - cracking!!

Joey Essex opinion on the election 'They should keep things brief I mean Liberal Democrats is quite a long word innit' - He's got a point 

Superstar DJ Calvin Harris is reported to earn a milllion dollars a night spinning tunes. Not singing or dancing just pressing play - nice work if you can get it 

So that's why bees are disappearing.  A report this week claimed that bees are dieing out because they are living on the equivalent of junk food. Cheap pesticides mean the pollen is deficient in nutrients. It's the equivalent of a burgers and fries diet which leaves the bees bored and lethargic they are basically losing their buzz! - sounds familiar 

Experts have warned that marrying the Hulk could be a recipe for sleep disaster They say his thick neck would probably mean he is a heavy snorer. I'd just be careful if you ever have to tell him, you know what happens when he gets angry! 

Man Talk 4th April

Ever had a case of the box set blues. That empty feeling you get after you complete a marathon watch of an addictive series. I've been there with Breaking Bad  and Game of Thrones, and the latest series to leave me wanting more was the brilliant Love/Hate an Irish crime drama I've watched all five series in about three weeks. It was addictive, but now that I've completed my couch marathon  I'm feeling a little bit lost, and thats the problem with box sets and downloads, you really can't be bothered waiting a week for the next episode anymore. Thank goodness for Netflix. I've taken a sneak peak at bloodlines and House of Cards both look so good I'm saving them up for a proper binge. Who said theirs nothing good on TV 

Can you believe McDonalds are launching their own clothes line. From t shirts to jackets and boots, the range will all come with the distinctive Big Mac logo. Theirs something a little bit 'tasteless' about wearing clothes that promote a less than healthy diet. I expect this will be one designer label where you won't have a problem getting the larger sizes, and of course supersize, will always be an option. Wonder if they'll make a fat suit? 

In Venezuela they have fingerprint scanners in supermarkets. They say it's  to monitor what your buying and to discourage you from hoarding. - I like that idea of someone telling me when I've got to much of something already. it  will save me a fortune! 

Here's a trend from America, men are scheduling their vasectomies during the college basketball playoffs. This way they can justify having time off work and catch the biggest games of the basketball season. I wonder if their is the same spike in snip operations around World Cup time in this country.

Scientist have found that men can lose weight by just sitting on the couch and doing nothing. In fact they lose nearly 3 times more calories than a woman from just laying back and relaxing. Now for those of us who have become skilled in this practice and have been called  a 'couch potato' or accused of just   'dossing around' you can now correct these false assumptions and call it what it is a work out.

A must have for your mobile is a 'Drunk' mode app. The creators say It saves you from making the embarrassing phone call or sending that text you know you'll regret the next day. To overcome the locked phone - you have to be sober enough to solve a maths problem, otherwise it only allows you 

 emergencies calls. 

Funniest thing on TV this week was Jeremy Paxman leaders interview. Talk about making them

squirm. After seeing the first few debates. Its Paxman who gets my vote. Can he win it? Hell yeah! 

Man Talk 22nd March 2015

Tell me why I don't like Mondays goes the song. Turns out what we really don't like is Sunday night. The thought of going to work the next day after a good weekend really spoils our sleep pattern say the boffins.  Maybe that's why  the next day is a 'Manic Monday' for some people 

For sale on Ebay bags of air possibly belonging to Kanye West. The sellers say it was captured at on of his recent concerts. This unique prize Can be yours to own at the give away price of a $1000 a time. Here's a tip if your thinking of buying one? If it's his it's still be hot! 

By now you'd have thought the beard trend would be fading. But no, it seems to be getting its second wind. An exhibition has just opened in London dedicated to facial fuzz. And now a specialist beard website had been launched. Called 'Bristlr' it gives tips and advice on how to manage and cultivate your facial hair, as well as a collection of beard options from the 'Ships Captain' to 'The Explorer' and 'The Lumberjack' and of course everyone's favourite 'The Father Christmas'. 

The world tour of clothes horses better known as fashion week has just come to an end. And the big question men over 40 are being told they need to address is do they know the difference between fashionable and stylish. My rule of thumb is anything in the window of  Primark is fashionable for everything else its John Lewis 

The big story for mens fashion is a return to all things seventies, big flares big collars and of course big hair. The Kevin Keegan man perm is Much in demand. But Calm down calm down if your hairstyle of choice isn't bang on trend. I'm sure it won't be long before the 'combover'and the no1 shaved look will have its day. 

We've all got a friend like Andy Murray- someone who thinks it's a good laugh to drop you in it. Andy thought it was a hoot to tell the world about his tennis partner having a part time girlfriend in Glasgow, whilst his regular other half was back at home on London.Whatever happend to the code of the 'bro' what happens on tour stays on tour, I think it would be a real Life case of 'new balls please' when he got home! 

This weeks mens public service announcement - doctors have found that 'man Flu' is real and is much stronger than the normal flu the ladies get. Doctors  say it's caused by all that testosterone weakening mens immune system.  Girls we don't want you to make a fuss just know most of us are carrying on and suffering in silence. 

In India a bride walked out on her fiancée because he couldn't add up the sum fifteen plus six. He said the answer was seventeen. She was so annoyed, she promptly dumped him. Claiming she'd been Mis lead about his education. Maybe he'd just put two and two together and realised she wasn't right for him. 

 In other Indian wedding news this week, I heard the story of the groom who had a heart attack during the ceremony, so the bride married another guest instead! Well it would have been a shame to waste the cake wouldn't it? 

Man Talk 8th March 2015

A report this week said that we men have at least two pair of trousers in our wardrobe that don't fit. The best excuses are you picked up the wrong size and can't be bothered taking them back. Or you plan on slimming down into them( note it's never the other way - you plan on growing into them! ) 

But For any man feeling pleased that he can still fit into the same size pants as he did in his youth, despite an obvious growing waistline, here is some bad news: boys are becoming victims of The retailing trend 'vanity sizing'. Where clothes can be anything up two sizes bigger than they say on the label. Aways popular with the girls its now being used more and more in men's clothing. In the trade it's called  "manity sizing' of course I don't believe a word if it and would like to continue living in slimline blissfull ignorance. 

What's in a name? Well quite a lot if your a horse called Brian - the Police think Brian's name wasn't heroic enough to be one of its front line  ponies so rejected him! Neigh!!!!

Remember the idea of the paperless office, and how the internet is  going to save the planet because we will be recording everything on line or on discs. Well guess what, technology is moving so fast that a lot of recorded stuff is out if date and could now be lost, but don't worry they've found a solution. Break out the paper and pens everyone. 

The more expensive the restaurant the more likely you are to describe its food in sexual terms says research in America. Orgasmic, and sensual or sexy and naughty are some of the favourites. Where as cheaper restaurants are often described as a drug related experiences. Words such as addictive, craved and  hooked are commonly used. Maybe that explains why I describe my lunchtime sausage roll as a quick fix.

Everyone likes to embellish their CV's just a little, to get an edge. But how about adding that In 2006 you were Time magazines person of the year. And it's true, In 2006 the influential magazine  made "Everyone" their person of the year.

 It recognized the millions of people who contribute to social media. So as as long as you tweet, message or post, that award was recognition for you. Congratulations you've got the job! 

Former footballing 'hard man' and wannabe actor Vinnie Jones is now plying his vocal talents on U Tube giving Spanish lessons. I've seen him and I'm afraid It's a red card from me 

The term having a face only a mother could love seems appropriate if you've passed the Liverpool shop in Williamson Square lately. The posters of the players in the windows wouldn't look out of place on crime watch. Obviously the photographer doesn't have the luxury of Photoshop. 

And on the subject of Liverpool football club. They've gone from

 the Spice boys to the Nivea boys. They must be going soft - their hands that is ! 

Theatre Review - Macbeth

Theatre Review: Macbeth @ The Everyman Theatre Liverpool 

Since Baz Luhrmann, reinvented Shakespeare with his stylised and groundbreaking film version of Romeo and Juliet, the trend for 're-imagining' the bard’s works has shown no sign of losing its appeal. 

But the question is why do producers feel they have to put their own personal stamp on a production, especially with work of such quality?Why do they believe they have to add some quirky twist to makes their version different than the rest? The current production of Macbeth at the Everyman a Theatre is a shining example of this. 

If you were new to this particular work, you may be asking yourself aboutthe significance of the musical ensemble placed centre stage. Or just who were the characters walking about the performance space? Were they the stage crew, or was this the cast? This unusual opening left both myself and most of the audience wondering, 'Has it started?' 

In a traditional version of the Scottish play you might expect kilts,swords maybe some scenery, not to mention haggard witches, this however is no traditional version. This is cut down spliced up and reimagined version of events. The text is used sparingly, replaced at random intervals by a fusion of electronic sounds and tunes. The multi-talented cast display not only some fine if unorthodox acting talents, but also their considerable skills at creating the mix of sounds.

This fast paced one act performance is delivered at a break neck speed, which the Shakespeare novice may find confusing and the purists may find disappointing. 

There is no doubt that this is a version of Macbeth that is both radical and unusual. It may appeal to those lovers of the bard’s work who are looking for something new and some might describe it as avant-garde, but for the average theatre goer looking for a fix of the classics, it may leave them sadly dissatisfied. At the end of the performance, a bemused audience were left looking to one and other for re-assurance, 'Well that was different' said one patron. It's a production that challenges and pushes the boundaries with its interpretation of the text. Sadly for me like the music, it struck one too many bum notes. 

This article was first published in @cultnoisemag - to read the full article please follow the link below: 

http://www.cultnoise.com/theatre-review-macbeth-everyman-theatre-liverpool/

Man Talk 23rd February 2015

The buzz word in the American business world at the moment is 'mindfulness' it's about taking a minute out if the rat race and stop doing whatever your are doing and then tuning your mind into where you are and what's around you. It sounds easy but it's not. You have to try and stop thinking about the future or the past and concentrate on the 'now' Business Gurus (Guru is an appropriate term as it's a very Buddhist concept) say we live such hectic lives everything just passes us by without us noticing. They say we aren't spending enough time just 'being' and if we can stop take a minute and just 'be' it can clean your mind so help improve your performance. The Seattle Seahawks credit practicing 'mindfulness' for their success in reaching the SuperBowl. It's now one of the most searched terms on Google. Having  A sort of wake up and smell the coffee moment is not as easy as it sounds. Just have a go. I tried it and I can tell you getting a moment of personal zen is hard work.

Friends you'll be glad to know that a little bit of me time doesn't only have to be in the mind. Researchers have found that a little bit of 'Me' and 'Me-mates time is also good for you. The experts say,( and they should know that's why they are experts!)

male bonding is more likely to lower a man's stress levels than a night out with his partner, or time spent with the family. - I consider this as a cut and keep paragraph 

What world do the Beckhams live in  when David complains that he doesn't like it when his daughter calls him fat! Beckham fat, more meat on a butchers pencil. 

' Snackifaction' is my favourite word this week, the trend to bite size everything from food to news to conversations everything is condensed twitter is a good example, say what your thinking in a 140 characters or less and now the new kids favourite Snap Chat.  Its like a Chinese meal within 10 seconds it gone and you've probably forgotten you had it. 

Being fed up is on the increase.  says the experts  in a few years unhappiness, depression and anxiety will have become the normal human condition. - Hope that's cheered you up! 

 

Theatre Review : The Scuttlers

 

 

Theatre Review: The Scuttlers at the Royal Exchange Theatre Manchester

Wils Wilson’s production of The Scuttlers maybe billed as a Victorian drama but it resonates with many modern day themes

It’s portrayed as a story bassed around Manchester’s first street gangs, yet it’s a drama that explores themes that could be from any time frame over the last two hundred years.

The opening scene of workers in a dark mill drawing cotton from a huge loom are the traditional symbols of industrial Manchester’s past, but add a soundtrack of electro beats and it become a very stylised fusion of old and new.

Its a play that resonates with modern day references and the street gang culture of the time is no different to today’s modern equivalent. The gang in this story are known as the ‘Bengal Street Tigers’, a group of disenfranchised souls, who are ‘bonded’ together by the ‘street’ they live on. It sounds like a familiar tale already, and the opening scenes draw out these relationships and the timeless scenarios that have brought the disparate group together. Much is made of the importance of this bond, and as now, the sense of belonging this connection gives them. It’s an ideal that would be shared by many gang members today.

The dysfunctional family, poverty, homelessness and being an outsider, are all social themes addressed by the play. And the young cast do a fine job pulling the threads of the story lines together

Their is swagger to the acting. The males all have the bravado of a young Liam Gallagher. The girls are bold and Leary and would be perfectly at home as characters from that other slice of Manchester underclass TV’s ‘Shameless’ Each one emboldened by their own personal tragedies. It’s only that the play was prefaced with its timeline, that you can distinguish its storyline from modern Manchester. This is a play though of a time, is a timeless tale.

The theatre itself echoes the plays arc of history, It’s a fine eighteenth century building. But within its lays a modern performance area. Its stage is at the centre of a tight, in the round space, within a stark industrial setting. The contrast of heritage and modernity, echo’s the themes of the play where the old and the new collide, yet exist together.

Some may be hoping that this production will be an extension of the TV series ‘the Peaky Blinders’. Although it follows a similar themes and is very stylised, this a far more socially aware affair, This is a play that is more authentic in its content And although it has a large cast works very well within the confines of the space. But credit to the production crew for conjuring up some theatre magic to add to this very enjoyable presentation

The dark mills that once dominated Manchester’s skyline may be gone but the underclass is still there. The play leaves you asking the question has anything changed over the last two hundred years. Or is it just a case of history repeating. Whilst the pointless task of drawing threads, goes on. – Highly recommended

Read the full review at CultNoise magazine 

@cultnoisemag: Theatre Review: The Scuttlers @rxtheatre #Scuttlers #Theatre http://t.co/5oxvM4fiAB

Coming through....'man-slammed'

Man talk 8th February 2015 

Coming through coming through step aside, if you don't want to be 'man slammed' that is. Yup the growing problem of who's got the right of way on the pavement is becoming a big issue when the irresistible force that isn't looking where they are going collides with the immovable object who isn't prepared to give way. There is never a winner, just an embarrassing sidewalk bump. 'The know it all's' blame it on our 'always in hurry' lifestyle and our over use of the iPod & the mobile telephone. I blame anyone I bump into because it's never my fault and why doesn't everybody else just look where there going coz I'm coming through! 

Men you may want to frame this next paragraph -  A judge in Germany has ruled that it's a man right to stand up to pee - A landlord wanted to hold back a tenants deposit because he claimed his dribbling when using the toilet had marked the bathroom floor. The judge threw the case out. Saying a little but of pee going astray couldn't be helped it was 'collateral damage'. - Case dismissed!!

You might also like to know that a standing wee in Germany is called a 'stepinkler'. Whilst a sitting down visit to the loo is called a sitzpinkler 

I liked the story this week that BBC's Songs of praise is auditioning for a football choir to sing 'Abide With Me'  at the cup final at Wembley. Imagine them holding X factor style auditions...what team do you support....Everton....And what will you be singing?.. 'And if you know your history' ......off you go 

They say some animals can sleep through anything, and  experts believe that's why some animals survived a catastrophic meteorite  crashing into the earth 65 million years ago. Imagine they got a bit of a shock when they woke up and saw the world trashed Thought that was some party then asked where's everyone gone? Like a scene from a prehistoric version of 'The Hangover' 

A bar in Hope Street has been named as one of Britains most beard friendly pubs. I want to know what makes a bar 'beard friendly'? Is it like a beardy man refuge, A sanctuary full of trendy hipsters all congregated together to moan about how tough life is when you've got a big bushy beard and how nobody understands what it's like when you've got a half your dinner stuck to your facial hair except this here friendly pub landlord! Save the hipster